2002-01-28 09:49:37 (UTC)

EVIL I Tell You.

I went to see my mom today. It scared the fuck out of me.
She looked so fucking sick like she was going to die. She
was trembling, her lips quivering, her hands shaking
uncontrollably, and saying, "I'm so cold.... john.....
help...." and the room was actually kinda hot. Wasn't cold
at all. Was all her body fucking around and not keeping up
her temperature. Her legs have swollen up 3 times the size
they normally are and she is in exreme pain all the time.
She has had so many needles in her all her viens have gone
shitty and she has no more for them to stick a needle in.
One nurse was forcing an I.V into her and my mom was
screaming and clutching for dear life onto john and
crying, "Make it stop John, help, It hurts!" My eyes were
stinging with pain. I wanted to reach out and make
everything all better for her. I wanted to save her from
this turmoil. This rotten fucking peice of shit hell hole
she was in and DID NOT deserve to be anywhere near. I
wanted to save her and all I could do was sit there and
watch. I had no control. No power. I had to watch as my mom
suffered laying on her bed helpless and fragile. I did all
I could forcing myself not to burst out crying for the 3
hours I was there.

I never knew that my mom was going through this the last
week she has been here. I just thought she was laying on
her bed watching tv al peaceful waiting for the swelling in
her stomach to go down. But I come in to all of this. It
was a shock. It woke me up. It made me realize I need to
spend more time caring for my mom. Thinking about my mom. I
have taken her for granted and I cannot do that anymore.
The pain I felt leaving her like that with NOTHING IN THE
WORLD I could possibly do to help as I left the hospital
was unreal.

Walking to the elevater after I left her room was so hard.
As I pressed the down button and watched it light up all
orange meaning the elevater was coming, my mind was raided
with "waht if's" and "why's" that drove me insane. Drove me
to tears.

WHAT IF my mom dies. WHAT IF I am left alone in this world.
WHAT IF after John leaves and she has no one to be with she
dies. ALONE.

WHY is this happening? WHY after the most horrible thing
that has ever happened to me with Allison being taken away
is this happening to me. WHY is my life destined to be
wraught in one extreme pain after another. WHY is life so
FUCKED UP right now.

I get outside and enter the dark city. It is beautiful. The
way the lights reflect on the broken apartment buildings.
The texture of the tar and the worn bench seats as I walk
to my car.

I cry.

I miss Allison. I NEED HER RIGHT NOW. SO BAD. I need
someone to hold me and love me and cradle me. I need
Allison to tell me she loves me and that we will get
through this together. I NEEDED her in that car in the
parking lot as I cried for litteraly an hour and a half. As
I screamed in pain. As I punched the shit into my steering
whell and soaked my shirt in tears and spit.

I screamed and cried and yelled and asked the sky WHY IS

I cry because I miss Allison more then anything in the
world. Just a day ago I am notified she won't be around for
another year. A FUCKING WHOLE

The pain just from that realization alone is unbearable and
has fucked me up and made me cry and cry and cry and miss
and miss and miss her forever forever forever. Nothing
could get any worse in my life then the news of ONE YEAR.
And then my MOM eneters the picture with that fucke dup
infection. She came 12 hours from dieing. I almost DID NOT
have a mother anymore and didn't even know it. My mom could
still die. She could still have something fucked happen to
her. Seeing herlike she is on top of the news of Allison
caused me to break down in that car. Like I have never
cried before. Pain so unbearable I was puking. Puking
lonliness and loss, mixed with emptiness, dazzeled with a
mother fucking touch of fear and death. It's all fucking
evil. Evil fucking shit. ALL OF IT.

Kevin's Parents splitting up.
Jen's baby dieing.
Allison being taken away.
My mom almost dieing.

It's Evil that's what it fucking is.

EVIL I tell you.