2002-01-28 09:33:52 (UTC)

Little Boy

It is four in the morning. I can't sleep without you
holding me. I don't want to. I am standing alone in the
dark empty kitchen. The room I have stood in for fifteen
years suddenly seems much larger then I remember it to be.
The walls have grown ten feet on every side. A night-light
is comfortably held in the worn plug socket next to the the
kitchen sink. Emit is a dim yellow light vaguely outlining
my trembling hands. I hold them in front of my face staring
into my palms. A shining yellow star reflects on the rings
you gave me circling my pinkie finger. I turn my hand over
and trace the silver outline of the words "life" engraved
in the surface. Like a blind man praying for vision I know
my prayers are futile. Tears sting as I reach into the

I stand here making Raman Noodles. Half full and half
empty. I stand here watching the water boil. Bubbles are
born on the silvery floor of the metal pot. It looks like
plastic bubble wrap. When they are little they bounce
around playfully with one another. They play tag and chase
each other around. As time passes they grow larger and
things aren't as fun anymore. They stop playing around and
start fighting with one another. Some are even killed and
pop and disappear into the silvery bottom. The fighting
gets out of hand and the victims start screaming and
searching for a way out. They start growing fins of
ambition that will enable them to escape. Like the morning
rush of traffic it starts one at a time. Then ten,
hundreds, and finally thousands of them start rushing
together. Thousands of tiny little bubbles leave the
silvery bottom of the pot searching and longing for the
waters surface. For an escape. They travel so fast to reach
the escape, like a rocket leaving the earths gravitational
pull, they fly right through the surface of the water.
Thousands of bubbles escape the depths of the pot and fly
into the dark depths of the kitchen night.

I kneel over the boiling water with my face enveloped in
the steam. It is warm and almost burning as it nestles upon
my cold face. The steam rolls up my cheek bones, and warms
my closed eyelids. It travels around to the back of my head
and creates a halo that floats to the ceiling. It is
comforting. An emotional thermometer measuring my
loneliness. A natural heater evaporating my tears.

I remember all the memories and I cry. I hug myself holding
onto my bony shoulders and I imagine you holding me.
Standing here in the kitchen in the dim yellow kitchen
night light I imagine you beside me. I imagine you kissing
me. I imagine you opening the refrigerator door searching
for egg nog, or some cherries. Your precious beautiful
voice whispering as you look at me. Your adorable facial
expression and beautiful brown eyes screaming out from the
depths of your heart and very soul, "I love you Jacob."

I am crying.

I look as vulnerable as a little boy. Maybe that is all I
am. I am a little boy. A little boy that fell madly and
truly in love. A little boy experiencing the effects of
losing someone he loves. A little boy exposed to the most
horrible pain ever conceived. The worst pain ever
imaginable. The little boy has experienced great pain in
his life before and thought he had already experienced the
worse pain ever imaginable. The little boy was wrong.

The little boy is now stripped of all innocence through the
experience. It has opened his eyes even greater to a pain
he thought he already knew. The little boy knows the pain
will subside, and he will be even happier then he was
before. When she comes back the little boy will be even
more prepared to share his life. He can now fully
understand and appreciate being with her, and
the "happiness" he felt with her ever more. He will
appreciate her and life and happiness ever more because he
is experiencing the very exact opposite of it right now.

The little boy now knows for sure the most amazing feeling
in life. He knows it is love. He knows it is with her. In
this unimaginable pain, a light has been turned on inside
the little boy. The light is the full and true appreciation
of "Life."

The little boy now realizes he was never a little boy at
all. He now realizes this whole time he was a very
complicated man with the simple one need of a little boy to
be truly happy in life. To unconditionally love and be
unconditionally loved.

Strew from events of extreme pain, and grown from events of
extreme happiness. The man is now even more ready for
whatever life may throw at him. The man faced with his
tears and extreme loss realizes how precious time is. He
realizes how rare this beautiful person is. The man now
loves her even more promised, imaginable, and forever then
ever before.