2002-01-28 09:14:51 (UTC)

I remember.... I went to the pier today.

I had a job interview today at i-worx and it went well. I
will be working there very soon and making lots of money.
After the interview I drove around portland remenescing
with the memories Allison and I share there.


I went to see her at her apartment one night. I got there
at about 6pm. I hadn't seen her for days. She was wearing a
dress. She was so beautiful. It was dark and the city was
beautiful. We walked everywhere. We ended up going down
past the pier off of commercial street and we walked on the
path that followed the water for what seemed like forever.
I remember we saw a couple guys and one of them had a
ciggerette in his mouth. Allison looked like she was gonna
say something when we walked by. She said to me, "I was
gonna ask him if he needed a light." I love taking walks
and I didn't even have to tell her this. She loved taking
walks as well.... so it just worked out. I always walk
everywhere... I'm usually alone though.... so this was a
romantic night of heaven for me.... with the most beautiful
girl in the world. We walked by a huge building and kept on
going. The water was so pretty. With the lights reflecting
off the surface.

We ended up coming to a big grassy hill. It was a park. She
told me matty used to launch his boat there. We walked up
the steep green grassy hills and got back to a road. We
talked and laughed and it was such a good time. Anytime
with her was a good time. Just the other day i was
exploring the city in my car and i ended up here by
accident. My stomach started getting all yucky and this big
burst of tears and pain left my body, i cried so hard as I
said to myself like I had found some treasure that was lost,

"Allison and I have been here before...."

We ended up at Scott's house. We went upstairs and she
introduced me to him. He is a kool guy. Wierd... but that's
what makes him kool. I liked his little apartment. And that
kool statue he had in the kitchen. Allison laughed and
smiled and was so happy to see him. When we left the
apartment she said some guy used to always try and always
ask her out right there or something. We walked and walked
and eventually came back to her apartment. We spent that
night talking and holding each other until we fell asleep.

The next morning i was supposed to go to the two college
classes i had. I awoke to the alarm buzzing and felt her
asleep next to me. She was holding me tight. She was so
beautiful as stared at her face. I looked down and noticed
her boob was poking out from her bra. It was like, "Hi Jake
good morning." It made me laugh to myself. She is so
adorable. I was so happy in that moment i did not want to
be anywhere exceot where i was. In here arms as she lay
asleep. So i just layed there smiling to myself all happy.

Later she woke up and said, "You are going to miss class if
you don't leave soon."

she had this look on her face telling me she DID NOT really
want me to go at all.

I said, "I'm not gonna go."

Even though she didn't want me to go she still said, "Jake
you gotta go."

I told her again, "I'm not gonna go I'm happy right now
here with you and I don't want to be anywhere else in the

She just smiled and held me tighter as we kissed.

Eventually we got up and we showered and everything. Then
she said, "I'm gonna show you the market. We can eat lunch
there. So we left the apartment and went down cumberlan
ave. to the market. Allison had her make-up on and some
really nice clothes. She was holding my hand and smiling as
we walked down the street. I hadn't ever seen her with her
makup on before. She was already the most adorable cutist
girl ever, but now she was wearing this make-up that just
put me in awe. I was saying to myself, "Why the hell do I
of all people get to hold this girls hand. Why the hell of
all people do i get to walk down the street with this
amazing beautiful girl."

As we walked by the windows i could see my reflection. I
felt so ugly next to her. I felt like she was a beautiful
actress in a movie and i was this ugly thing standing
beside. I couldn't compare to her beauty. I felt like I
didn't deserve her or this day or this moment at all.

We walked by hundreds of people and looked at them and
studdied them and it was kool. I like watching the people.
It is fun. It's so interesting wondering who they are,
watching the way they walk, watchign what they are doing.
Wondering what they are mumbling under their breaths.

We got to the market and Allison knew half the people
there. Hell, she knew have the people on the WAY there too.
lol. She showed me her old boss and old friends. She showed
me where she used to work and showed me everything around
there. There was a 14,000 dollar piano in the market that
day adn it was free to try. Allison had told me before she
could play piano which made me happy because music is my
life. So i brought her there and she sat down and she

It blew me away. I never could have imagined her playing so
well. She plays so beautifully and easily with such grace.
I felt my heart drop as I sat there and watched her looking
down at the white marble keys and then up at the people
walking by and then back down at the keys again.

"Is this a dream I asked myself?"

At that insant I KNEW she was the one. I looked at her and
in my head I said,


She drew a crowd. 10 people came and were watching this
beautiful girl play beautiful music on this beautiful sunny
warm day. Watching her so easily play that music made me
fall in love with her all over again. Music is my life. It
is my thing. It is what I cherish the most. It is the
second most important thing to me besides Allison. Besides
the people i love. seeing her play and knowing she was
musically gifted was like seeing a huge part of myself
inside this girl that i was already in love with and that i
didnt know existed. It made me love her a trillion times
more. The rest of the day I was in awe. I would look at her
and wonder what else there was to find out about this
amazing girl that i didn't know and could so easily fall in
love with even more. I looked at her and asked my self like
90 times,

"Who is this girl? Who is she? She is a dream.... she is a
million times better and more attractive then the cs girl I
knew from the DM. Who is this girl? Who is she.....?"

Just goes to show you can never ever know how amazing
someone is until you have spent time getting to know them.
Everyone is special in some way. Everyone. Even the street
bums sitting on the benches in Boston and New York.

After we got some pizza she took me upstairs into that
glass tunnel that goes over cumberlan ave. it was SOO COOL!
I had never done any of this before. I never ever went to
the city. She would just laugh at me and then hug me and
kiss me and love me as i smiled and hugged and kissed and
loved her back.

I have this picture of her engraved in my mind of when we
were walkign together and me looking to my right at the
left side of her face as she looked down the street into
the cars, stores, and passing people. I wish i could have
taken a picture.

We walked by a guy on the street playing the accordian.
ther was another beside him banging a drum beat on some
wierd instrument. They said they were form london and
learned to play there. It was really cool.

We were walking up a crowded street and o looked up and
noticed a girl with red hair coming our way. I said to
myself, "Isn't that the girl Kevin went out with that he
was later to call 'Gremlin'??? Just as i thought this
Allison screamed her name and ran up to her and was all
happy and talked with her. I guess they were friends. What
a wierd coincsidense. We chatted for a few and then left.

She took me in all the stores she liked and showed me
everything she liked. I remember the abacus store where she
got that ring from shoa. There is a swing downstairs
hanging from the cieling and i was swinging in it. She told
me one time she was swinging really hard and the people
upstairs came down and yelled at her. lol. I remember those
really kool sounding bells we played.

She took me to the kite store where she used to work. The
boss bitched her out as she had a giant smile on her face.
then gave her her check. We cashed it at the peoples bank.
I knew the guy there too. It was the same guy from the
windham peoples bank in shaws.

As we walked on the streets that day and all this happened
i came to realize what an amazing person this Allison girl
was. I had known her as the grungy dressed but amazingly
still cute looking cs girl from the dreammachine. It blew
me away this day spent with her. It is the day i realized
she was MUCH MUCH more then that. It is the day that I
started realizing i was truly and madly in love with this
girl. It was a beautiful day out of the SO MANY we shared.
It was the BEGINNING of the many amazing memories we were
to share after this day. It was the day that I realized she
was the "one" and I would do ANYTHING for her, and give
ANYTHING for her.


Everytime i am anywhere near a city ALL of these memories
come flying back to me and they start with this day only to
go onto the many others we shared. As i dorve through
portland today and went past the market and under the glass
tunnel thing all of these memories came flying onto my
head. I started crying. I screamed, "I MISS YOU ALLISON! I
LOVE YOU SO MUCH! AHHH!!!!! out the window like 18 times
today. People on the sidewalk thought i was nuts. I didn't

I didn't want to go home. So i found a parking spot and
walked to the peir. I love the pier now. I went into the
little place where you buy the tickets and i remembered
allison and i there one time. she met someone she knew and
tried to call somebody on the pay phone. but hey weren't
home. I took a map of portland and a map of the islands and
then i stared at the awesome pencil drawings of the two
little boys and the old man. I went out the door opposite
the peir bringing me to the right side of the place. I
walked along the water. it smelled good. sea water.
mmmmmmm. I looked up and saw a guy in the boat and wondered
what it would be like to go on a boat in the ocean. I have
never done that. Allison said she would take me some day.
She said she would do so many things with me and take me so
many places and show me the things I have never
experienced. She said we would experience them together.
Like a train ride or an airplane. I have never done
anything. She has to come back and take me to these places
and show me these things so we can experience them
together. I don't want to experience them alone anymore. i
want her here with me always.

I looked up from where i stood in the snowy cement sidewalk
and i saw the stores allison and i looked through one day
when we parked in the court parking lot. I saw the place
where the guy thinks allisons name is andrea. haha. i saw
the little store where allison used to work. I remember her
telling me she had to get a bird out of there once. I
remember i took a piece of insense from that store and kept
it in my pocket for weeks until it didn't smell good
anymore. I saw the store where Allison got the LIFE ring
that i am wearing on my pinky finger. And I saw the road
that Allison and I litterally ran up as fast as we could to
get back to my car in the court parking lot. I remember my
legs hurt like hell.

That running reminds me of when Allison and I went to
chunky's in windham and she applied there. After that she
litterally sprinted as fast as she could across the parking
lot way down to the chinese restuarant. I had to chase her
down. She runs pretty fast. lol. SO MANY GOOD MEMORIES!!
FUCK I LOVE YOU!!! grr...... jake is sad. come back! please?

I walked to the end of the peir and gazed out at the sea. I
looked ot my right and saw white snow clouds in the sky.
they were dabbled with yellow frosting from the pumpkin
orange sun. The sun layed behind the clouds so i could look
right into it and it didnt hurt my eyes. A perfect sphere.
So beautiful. I looked at the bridge off in the distance
and the boats beside me. I looked in front of me and saw
more boats and the big white round buildings that Allison
and I drove to one night when we drove for 8 hours straight
singing and talking and having the best times of our lives.
Standing at the end of the pier I looked to my left and on
top of the big blue whale building i noticed i had an
audience. There where about 40 to 50 seagulls lining the
roof. About ten feet away from me sat a big ol' seagul
looking at me. I could see a sort of trust in his eye. He
knew i wasn't a threat so he just sat there watching me. I
looked down into the water and saw little fish swimming
around. I looked up a littel more and to my surprise was a
big SEAL HEAD! I haven't ever seen a seal!! i was
like, "WHOA!!! THATS FUCKING KOOL!!! SWEET!!!" I watched
him for about 20 minutes. He was all wet and greasy
looking. He would roll his head back and forth and i could
see his whiskers and his big black eyes. The seal was
pretty. he was a greyish brown color. I wanted to pet him.
He looked at me as i whisled to him, then looked away. He
dove underwater then came back up in another spot and did
this for a while. It was awesome. I wanted Allison there to
see it with me.

I looked straight up at the sky standing at the edge of the
pier and i opened my arms like Scott Stapp does on the top
of the mountian in the 'Arms Wide Open" video. I said,

"I love you forever allison, i love you i love you i love

then i started saying things like, i love you so much i
want to kiss you and hold you and touch you and do this for
you and that for you and this and that and this and
that.... that's when it dawned on me.

The MAIN reason i love Allison so much is not because I
want to kiss her, hold her, hug her, love her, look at her,
and its not because she is pretty and talented and sexy. It
is not because I want to take her places and show her
things and share myself with her. It has nothing to do with
anything that I could ever give her. The main reason i love
Allison so fucking much is because......

The way she loves me.
And THAT is what i miss the most.
Allison GAVE herself to me.

I have never had that happen before. In every relationship
i have been in It was always me giving all the love and
getting nothing in return.

With Allison i got everything in return and more.

Allison that's why after we saw "the others" and you kept
taking me to all those places on our 1st date i kept saying
to you,

"This isn't supposed to be happening... I am supposed to be
taking you to the romantic places, not you taking me to the
romantic places...."

You looked at me with this happy face cuz you knew I was
loving every second of it. lol. This made you want to do it

Our first date was going to see "The Others" sept. 25th. I
remember kissing you in the theater and the look you gave
me after every kiss. You mumbled,

"Your not like the others....." and you had this look of
awe and happiness and I could tell you wanted me to keep
kissing you and never stop. Your eyes said it all. You said
to me later after the movie,

"No one kisses like you.... your the best kisser ever. You
make my heart shudder.... I want to hover in that moment
just after the kiss forever."

I can picture your face right now just after the kiss....
eyes closed mouth half open, you inhale with a real
quick "huuhhh" and your head is tilted back. It's the look
you have after every time I kiss you. I love it. I love
kissing you. I love that look. Ecstasy.

Amazing first date. Like a dream.

After the movie.........

I remember you sittign beside me saying,

"Turn right.... now left..... okay pull in here..."

I remember at the waterfall we kissed and it was so nice. I
remember how you tasted. Sweet. Only Allison tastes like

We were driving again...

"Turn right, left, straight, left, right, okay pull in

I remember you held my hand and guided me through the
private property road through tall wet grass. We went
through a short trail and ended up at that spherical cement
bridge that is fallen over the stream. Kinda like a huge 5
foot in diameter cement pole laying on its side. It was 20
feet up in the air above jagged rocks in the shallow stream
below. We went out in the middle on the wet cement and sat
there and kissed for a long time. On the way out i was
praying you and i wouldn't fall and die on those rocks. As
we kissed and stared into each others eyes a giant bird
flew in the darkness over the water. Perfect. Amazing.

"Turn right.... left... straight..... right... okay pull in

I remember we walked for a really long time down the train
tracks across the train bridge that goes over that busy
road until we came to a train that was about to leave. I
had never seen a train that close with a guy in it. The guy
was waering that kool looking hat that only train drivers
wear. It was so awesome. As it took off and rumbled the
ground we kissed. Amazing. Beautiful moment. On the way
back you told me....

"I am usually doing all these things alone. I never take
anyone to these places with me."

You made me feel so special. I was in heaven. As we walked
back over the bridge i said,

"Hey lets kiss right in the middle of the bridge so the
passing cars will see and honk. It will be so romantic."

So we did. But no one honked..... hehe.

I was so new to the city back then. I was scared as hell my
car was going to be robbed when we were gone. So i always
made you lock the doors. I had my 400 dollar amp in the
back. I didn't want it to get stolen. You just laughed at
me and called me

LOL. "The paranoid country boy." LOL.

I remember the 1st time you ever got in my car at the
dreammachine i threw you keys to unlock the passenger door.
You missed them. You always missed them. lol. When you got
in you tried unlocking my door with the side window knob.
FUCKING HILARIOUS. lol. I think you were a little
embarressed too. lmao. It was funny.

"Turn right.... left..... straight..... right.... okay park

I remember the pier... it was raining a gentle rain. That
nice kinda rain where you stick your toungue out and eat
it. It was warm. A scary looking guy in a black cloke was
standing by then picnic tables but he left when we arrived.
You showed me everything beautiful. At the end of the pier
we kissed like in a movie. On the way back to the car i
said to you, "This is AWESOME!!!" You smiled and was so
happy. That date was all you. I for once in my life didn't
have to do anything romantic. It was all you.

After that we spent hours in my car driving. One day we
drove for 8 hours. I showed you everything beautiful around
my town and my house. I showed you and took you to places
no one else would ever care about. But you did care. You
cared like I cared. You appreciated it. you appreciate
beautiful things JUST LIKE I DO. I see that in you, i see
that piece of me in you and it makes me LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
We gave each other everything. Always.

I love the city now because of you. You showed me that it
is beautiful. I never knew. Now i want to live in the city.
With you. The BIG CITY. Forever.

Standing there looking at the sky i thought about
everything she does that showed how much she loves me.

She adores my face. Lying in bed or laying on the couch or
in the car she would stare at my face all the time. I loved
it. She would trace her finger around my jaw and my eyes,
my nose and my lips. She would say, "i like this." about
everything as she looked at my face. She loved the way my
upper lip looked for some reason. She would tell me that a
thousand times. She loved the way my bone outline went
around my eyes. She would say staring at my lips, "I like
the way your upper lip goes." then she would trace it and
kiss it. Then she would look at the outline of my eyes
where the bones forms and she would say, "I like this. I
think i like your upper lip better though.." Then she would
trace the outline of the bone around my eyes. She would do
this all the time. In the car as i drove us places, on the
couch we would be watching a movie but we would miss half
of it because she would be staring at me and i would be in
heaven as she gently kissed up and down my face and my neck
and traced her fingers everywhere.

In my room with the computer moniter on as we sat on the
bed you would stare at me. You would say to me every

"you are so beautiful. With the blue light of the computer
screen it makes your lips and eyes stand out. Your lips are
so red and your eyes are blue."

One thing you said to me that I will never forget...

"You are like everything beautiful in the world in a

You always smothered me with compliments. You had an
endless supply of them for me. Sometimes you would
compiment me so much you would tell yourself,

"I've got to stop complimenting you so much."

But you never did and I am glad because I loved it.

I miss being loved by Allison. No one has ever loved me as
much as she did. And the way she did.

The thing i miss the most is laying on the couch with her
arms wrapped around me. I felt so safe. So comfortable. I
felt "taken care of" i felt appreciated and respected and
most of all I felt true love and happiness. I always looked
forward to movies at 2am laying on the couch with her.

I would get my big dark green blanket and she would be
sitting there with a big smile. Then she would move just
right so i could lay in her arms. As i looked at the screen
out of the corner of my eye i could see her staring at me
and admiring me. I wouldn't say anything because I liked
it. Sometimes I would say something and she would say, "Ah!
you caught me and she would look away." lol

I specifically remember at Nick's house when we were
watching "Gladiater." You were holding me like you always
do with my head by your chest.... I noticed you were
looking at me out of the corner of my eyes.... staring at
me..... so I looked up really fast and you looked away

"You caught me!"

I LOVE YOU!!!!! lol. I like it when you do that. You don't
have to be sneaky. Just say,

"Hey Jake im gonna stare at you because i love you and you
are really cute."

I would love that right now. hehe.

I remember we were standing on Nick's hottub and there were
mirrors EVERYWHERE. We could see ourselfs in them. We
talked about wanting to have sex in the hottub and we
wished we could have a hottub. Then we chased each other
around the house... so much fun.... I hid in the bathroom
and scared the shit out of you when you walked by... LOL.

I remember at Nick's that day I had to reformat my computer
so I was putting all my files on cd's.... meaning I had to
keep getting up to do a differen't cd every once and a
while... which interupted the movie we were watching. After
like 5 mins you would get all lonlely and say....

"Jaaaaakkkkkkkeeeeeee!!!!!! Come lay with me!!!"

OMG!! What I wouldn't give to have that RIGHT NOW. FUCK!!!

I was in my room once and you were in the living room....
you yelled all the way across the house,


hehe. god i love you. I love how you want me with you all
the time. I LOVE THAT! I absolutely love how clingy you
are. I never ever want you to stop being clingy to me.
Always cling to me. I love it. SO MUCH. It makes me happy
and feel loved. :)

ANYWAY...... lol.

I would lay there and she would run her fingers through my
hair for hours as the movie went through. I would come so
close to falling asleep. Running your fingers through my
hair is the most relaxing thing ever. I LOVE IT. I didn't
even have to tell her either. It was like she already knew.
Sometimes my eyes would be closed for like 10 minutes as I
felt her fingers go through my hair and her breath gently
brush the back of my neck. I would feel like i was in a

Sometimes she thought I was asleep and she would whisper in
my ear,

"I love you so much jake... so much... I want to hold you
like this forever... I want to spend the rest of my life
with you.... I never want this moment to end."

She thought i was sleeping when she said that one night. My
heart dropped to my stomach and I felt the happinest i have
ever been EVER. I wanted to jump and scream and kiss her so
hard and tell ehr the same things but i sat there
pretending to be asleep. I did NOT want this to EVER end.
It was so hard pretending to be asleep as she said these
things. It took all of my might to not move. I knew i had
to not do anything to keep the moment going. To cherish and
hang in it for as long as i could.

Walking everywhere she would jump on my back and say piggy
back ride! We were at the 'happy toast' in New Hampshire
and she said,

"When we get ouside im gonna jump on your back and get a
piggy back ride. Then im gonna say I LOVE YOU JACOB!"

Then when we got outside she did exactly that.
I remember in the happy toast that day we played a game
where she would find a word somewher ein the restaurant or
out on the street that i could see and she would say it
backwards. then i would have to find it and say it
forwards. hehe.

In boston I remember there were these waist high stones
like 6 feet apart and she dared me to try and jump from one
to the other. She didn't think i could. but i did. she was
like, "whoa!" after that we sat on the roof of this
building and watched the trees blow back in forth in the
wind between 30 story buildings. i gave her a piggy back
ride up this huge ass hill after that. SHe was fucking
heavy as hell lmao. but i think it was just the hill and
all the work on my little legs. When we got to the top
there was an awesome blue and white motorcycle. I want to
move to boston with allison. I want to move to some city
like that where we can do that EVERYDAY. I miss her so much.

She gave me everything. made me breakfast when i was sick.
even when i wasnt she made me food. She would hand me it
then say like she was just realizing for herself with a
funny expression,

"Jake i made you food!?"


The cheesypuff memory will forever be stuck in my mind.
Your face and how cute you were. your wide eyes as you
looked at me like an innocent child.

"jjaaaaaaakkkkkeeeeeee eeeeeeyyyyyaaaaaaauuuuuaaaahhhhhh

I love that eeeeeyyyyaaaaaauuuuuuaaaaahhhhhhhhh sound you
make. You make it when you want something. Like sex. lol.

"eeeeeyyyyyyyaaaaaaauuuhhhhhhhhh jjjjjjakkkkkeee i want

In boston remember on the way back in the car we made
noises like we were having mad passionate sex for like an
hour. Windows rolled down and poeple thought we were nuts.
WE WERE CRAZY. I LOVE BEING CRAZY!! We were on the highway
and you wanted to have sex so fucking bad lol. I didn't get
to a damn rest area though until after you were curled up
to me asleep with your head on my lap. So pretty. The car
shaking back and forth made your whole body wiggel back and
forth as you lay fast asleep in the car. I remember
everything. I will never ever forget anything. All these
memories all of them are so beautiful.

We had a game we always did. You would say,

"Your my Pumpkin"

then I would have to come up with a cheesy name to call you.

"Your my Princess"

Then you would go,


then me,



"sweat pea"





"sweet stuff"

and on and on.... I remember we did this in quincy market
as I ate my cheese cake and you ate your raviolli. lol. SO

Are you going through the same thing as me? Do you actually
miss me as much as I miss you?

In the car she always curled up to me and i loved it. I
like her being clingy to me. I like clingyness. I want to
be close all the time to her. I want to be kissed all the
time. I want to be hugged all the time. Allison gave me all
of this and i never ever had to ask. There was nothing she
DIDN'T give me. There was NOTHING missing form our
relationship at all. It was perfect. A fucking movie i tell

I want to write so much more. I want to write down here
everything we did in boston that day so i will never forget
it. But that would be really long and I don't want to do it
right now. I want to relive every moment we have spent
together again. Even with the knowledge that Allison would
be taken away from me and i would never ever see her agian
i woudl do it all oevr agian without even having to stop
and think. That's how amazing it was.

When i think of allison or when something reminds me of
allison i am reminded of how much she loved me. She showed
it in everything she did for me and to me and with me. I
have never EVER been loved by so much in my entire life and
being loved like that is how i want to spend the rest of my

I would give up everything. All of my music my talents and
everything that means everything to me. I would throw it
all away if i was to be promised that allison will love me
the way that she did when we were together forever. I would
throw it all away just to get her here for one more second.
For one more kiss.

If I could only see her for just one more movie on the
couch at 2 in the morning, and to feel her arms around my
body as she held me like she always did, to have her kiss
me, and to hear her whisper in my ear as her fingers ran
through my hair so gently putting me to sleep,

"I love you forever jacob."

If I could only see her for just one more moment even if I
knew i would never ever see her again after this moment I
would give up everything I have,


for just this one more moment with her.

I love you for all eternity

I can't stop thinking about you
so I don't know when or "if" i will ever
write an entry that doesn't envolve you.

Allison, Allison, Allison , Allison,
Allison, Allison, Allison,
Allison, Allison,

I don't care though. You were my life.
Now all i can do is write.
Always Write.
That's what I have to say about that.

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