2002-01-28 09:08:13 (UTC)

I remember.... Her Tickled Smile

I just remembered something about Allison I hadn't really
about much before....

When I would tickle her....

That SMILE. o my god..... so amazing..... FUCK!!! I want to
see it NOW!!!
When you tickle her she goes NUTZ!! lol. She wiggles around
and says,

"Ah no Jake! no jake! stop! stop! please!"


But I remember that smile..... so beautiful.... So big....
I remember I used to purposly tickle her so i could see
that smile..... hehe.
I am so fucking sad right now. god damn. EVERY NIGHT. I'm
so sick of being sad.
Everynight like around 1 or 2 in the morning I go in the
bathroom and shut the light off.
I open the window and I just sit there and talk to you.

"I love you so much Allison." is whispered a million
times... along with "forever" "come
back" I'm sure whoever is reading this doesn't want me to
go into it.....

It snowed all day today so the trees and the lawn were
covered in white powdered snow.
It was dark and I could see all the stars. I cried and
cried like usual. Nothing new.....
There wasn't a cloud in the sky but the wind was blowing
the snow around.
I could feel the white dusty snow kissing my face as I
stuck my head WAY out the window
smelling the air. I stared at the portch light of our
neihbors house. The bush in front of
it was swaying gently back in forth in the wind as the
yellow light reflected through the branches.
The thing that made it so awesome tonight was the sound of
the wind blowing through the giant
dark trees in my back yard. That's my favorite sound.... i
love that sound.... so calm and


it makes me not want to ever shut the window. I want to
stay there all night. I wish
I could sleep outside everynight so I can listen to it
forever..... but it's WAY to cold.
I cried so much tonight in that window.

I eventually ended up laying on my bed staring at the
cieling.... my fan was on and the
pattern on my cieling looks like white vanilla frosting. I
wanted to eat it.
I layed there for a REALLY long time trying to stop
thinking about her so I would stop
being so sad. I concentrated on the sound of the fan.


Relaxing sound.... I always sleep with the fan on.... even
if it's cold. She always hated
See every fucking thought involves her somehow. lol. That's
what you get for falling in
mad true love with someone. They become a part of you. You
become a part of them. So there
is always this fucking emptiness that will NOT go away. I
hate it so much.
You know how good you feel when you are with them? Well
when they are gone its the EXACT
opposite feeling..... That's where I am EVERYDAY. In that
EXACT opposite feeling. I'm doomed
and cursed with fucking sadness. What the hell?
Come back dammit. fuck. I'm gonna move to Utah. lol.

"Is he serious?" I can hear you asking to yourself.

We'll see....