The Xdruggie Files
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2002-01-28 00:29:02 (UTC)

Sam, I am

Was feeling really depressed this weekend and sorry for
myself. Bubba was out of town and so was Jeffy, but i had
said i wanted a weekend off from recovery and recovery
people. Have i said this before - i just had deja vu.
anyway i really missed Bubba. I was at another crossroads i
seem to be having many of those now. I have to decide for
whom i am remaining clean. I would feel guilty and like i
had let everyone down if i used. Everyone meaning my
parents, my group, my sponsor, bubba, my counselor-but i
have to want to do this for myself and lately i haven't
wanted that. yes, i am accountable to all these people-but
i have to not use for me and not them. I went out with an
old friend last night. I haven't seen her in years. It was
good to catch up. It was very nice to be with someone who
doesn't use treatment terms or have that super health
health health attitude. i have stuck to my sexual sobriety
guidelines, but they are really starting to wear on me.
It's fine now cause i am not looking to hook up but if
opportunity presents itself i may just have to screw
someone. But i am praying about this matter. Anyway am
thinking about quitting group cause i have been getting
really pissed lately in group and wanting to use after i
get out b/c of all the shit in group. People are getting on
my nerves. I went to see I am Sam today. It was a good
movie, but with my state of mind and the subject matter of
the movie, i was crying alot. still working on my 4th step.