squeebs

Squeeb's world
2002-01-27 22:20:08 (UTC)

Scared?

I haven't written in here in awhile. I've had a lot on my
plate shall we say. So today I've been thinking about
something Scotty said to me yesterday. He was wondering if
I was afraid of guys. It was just curiousity because he
wondered why I'd never really been with one or whatever. And
you know, that question really made me think. I think lately
I HAVE been afraid of intimacy with guys. I still fantasize
about it. I know when the day comes it will be amazing and
worth the wait. Like I said before, I don't want just some
one time thing. I'm not into that. I want to be with someone
special. And I think about it a LOT but at the same time,
the thought scares me because of what happened to my sister.
I know this act can be used violently against a person. It
happened to my sister. Maybe if it hadn't hit so close to
home, I wouldn't be as scared as I am but I am... Like I
said in one of my other entries though, yeah there are times
when I'd like to say to Scott "Sure, c'mon let's go." I mean
I'm old enough, sheesh! But emotionally, I know I'm not
ready. And I wouldn't do it unless I knew for sure his
heart was mine. Why bother putting my heart in such a
vunerable place if I don't have to? That and lately I've
been having thoughts of being with someone else. Someone
that I've tried and tried to suppress because I know it's
not right. I mean I've known him for 12 years and stuff and
we're super-close but he's my best friend's brother. I know
he's had this thing for me for like forever and our parents
think we'd be so cute together. Mom especially... but I
wouldn't do that. It's way too akward. If anything happened,
I'd risk my relationship with my best friend. I've been
through so much with her already. I don't know. That and of
course in my heart, there's still the lingering Scott-thing.
Eventually this will get settled... Anyways I need to take a
shower.

Current mood: weird
Current music: "4am"- OLP