The meanderings of a mind
Ad 0: - Modern SaaS monitoring for your servers, cloud and services
2001-04-21 04:31:03 (UTC)

Personal oddities

I oftentimes worry about myself. I acknowledge that I
am not normal. Far from it. Normalacy is boring, perhaps
an insult. I don't want to be JUST like anyone else. I was
to be different, special, unique. A friend once told me
that I had the type of personality that either scared people
away, or intringued them so that they would stick around
wating for the next insane thing I would do. I admitt
freely that I am naive. I'll discuss anything, and ask
nearly any question. So I am often laughed at when I ask a
question that someone finds ridiculous. How is one to learn
if no one will take the time to teach. I am curious to a
fault. I am also scared. I'm confused. I'm alone. I
despise some of the childhood lessons that have been carved
in my mind, rules that I can't seem to break, even if it is
for the best. "Clean your plate." What a ridiculous thing
to teach a child. It should be "stop eating when you are
full." I would have much rather wasted some food, than to
desire the ability to develop an eating disorder that will
allow me to fit my image of perfection. Yet I know there is
no perfection. I wish I could get rid of that niggling
doubt in my head that happiness and beauty equal skinny. If
I was skinny I would therefore be beautiful. If I was
beautiful I would be popular. If I was beautiful I could
get a great job. If I was beautiful I could attract a great
guy. If i was beautiful I would be happy. Then again, I
think...I am beautiful. I don't fit the "normal" image of
beauty, so I am different. How can that be bad? But what
good is beauty if no one can recognize it as such? I want
to know when someone will fall in love with all the facets
of my personality and be intrigued enough to want to stick
around forever. I want someone to know me. Know that I
hate mornings and love staying up late. That I sing along
to the radio, and if I don't know the words, I make up my
own. Know that when I am lost in a good book the world
disappears and I will read until the last page. That I have
a weakness for pasta in a box, (one of the few things I can
cook), and ice cream and chocolate chip cookies. Know that
I collect memories. Know that I love summer nights before a
storm when the sky is black and the moon white and the
lightning rips across the midnight ocean and the wind whips
through my hair. Know that I think dead trees are
beautiful with their skelatal limbs and sun bleached
trunks; they have more personality then any plant-life
could. That the best time to swim is in the middle of the
night when you feel like every star in the sky is shining
for you. There are some many things people fail to notice.
One should never grow tired of another, because people are
constantly changing and growing. There are things even I
don't know about myself. I hope in this life I will find
someone that wants to get to know me as I come to know
myself. There is definately no point to this, however,
pointless rambling does have a point. To realease the
thoughts that clutter up your brain. So is it indeed
pointless? No. Maybe if I can release all these crazy
ponderings, I will know what it is to sleep peacefully
through the night.