poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2002-01-27 19:17:04 (UTC)

Another day in the life ....

Well, here I am again ... Sunday morning. Harry's left
early because he has to film a baptism today and has some
customer's coming before that to talk to him about another
video job. I'm glad he's getting work in - I wish I could
feel so confident and secure about my own
career/work/financial situation!

It was a fairly nice night last ... despite a few 'Bumps'.

Chantelle was in a particularly rebellious mood yesterday
and we fought most of the day - I MEAN REALLY FOUGHT! It
started first thing in the morning when we were down in the
laundry room ... her wanting a new pair of pants and
wanting to use the money she got for Christmas from Avo and
Harry's sister; money that I had to use to live on while
she was in Arizona; money that I told her she would get
back as soon as I had it to give to her. I told her that
when I had the money she would get it and she would get to
buy her pants. It's not like she really NEEDS a new pair
of pants right now anyway, but this is really besides the
point, especially in HER mind.

So, there it started! She was so damn pissed off with me
for not having HER money! WITH HAVING USED HER MONEY IN
THE FIRST PLACE!!! HER MONEY!!! As if that isn't enough
to upset ME ... her attitude about and towards things like
this ... AS IF SHE WOULD HAVE ANY MONEY AT ALL IF IT
WEREN'T FOR ME! I mean, if it weren't for me she wouldn't
be here in this world! Which is something else, I truly
believe she holds against me more often than not. She's
let me know on several occasions that it's HER who suffers
more from the choice I made with Felipe ... because of my
choice she doesn't have a father! As if I don't live with
this realization every day of my life since she was born!

And yesterday, when I asked her to help me fold the sheets,
she gave more attitude! 'When SHE grows up she's going to
have a maid! She's not going to have to fold sheets! Why
should she have to help me? ... if I had gone to college I
would have a better job and we could have a maid!' ...
sometimes it seems as if she was just put on this earth to
remind me of my failures - as a human being, as a woman and
as a mother!

It hurts to know your child thinks of you as more of a
failure than a success! And the worse part is, I know its'
true. Living how we live ... and especially in comparison
to her friends who all live in houses, have two parents
(even if divorced!) and have much more money than we
have ... I know in this aspect I've failed miserably. But,
on the other hand ... I try, I try really hard to make sure
she has all that she needs, and as often as possible things
she wants ... I certainly give her all the love in the
world ... but, of course, we must take into consideration
her age and the fact that she's going through the stage
where parent(s) are more a burden and an obstacle than
something to be appreciated let alone respected - Oh God
forbid we even ask for that!

Regardless of these more and more often raging acts of
rebellion, there are still times when she acts like my
little girl. She'll still hold my hand from time to time
in public - though a lot less than she used to! She still
hugs me and tells me she loves me - again a lot less than
before, but it is much better than NOT AT ALL! And the
best part of all ... she still likes to sleep with me!
Maybe that sounds strange in itself, but my bed is huge and
though she will sleep at the other end of the bed, we are
still together. It's nice having her company at night,
even when we've had a particularly rough day ... and
sometimes, she'll even cuddle up to me like she used to do
when she was little.

Though lately, she's been going through these really weird
mood swings and it drives me absolutely crazy - me and
everybody else she happens to be around (that is an
adult!) She gets in these ridiculous laughing modes ...
where she will laugh AT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING! During
these times she actually acts like a raving lunatic and
it's more often annoying than anything else! I try to
ignore her behaviour during these times so as not to do
anything irrational ... but it's really not easy!

For example, last night I worked really hard to make a good
dinner. I made stuffed shells, french bread and salad.
The stuffing in the pasta shells had spinach in it and when
Chantelle took one look at the spinach she immediately got
it in her mind that the food was going to be awful and she
wasn't going to eat it. I told her she was going to at
least try it. So when we all sat down to dinner, Harry was
complimenting me in the highest for such a delicious meal,
and Chantelle sat there just making awful faces and picking
at her food.

Harry told her that she was going to eat it regardless!
Harry said that she didn't know how lucky she was! Harry
said we should take her to the Tijuana border so she could
see the little children dirty and begging for a penny for
some food! And Chantelle started laughing! Harry is
talking about poor, starving children and she is
laughing ... that pissed him AND me off! Afterall, what
was so funny about children who have no food and have to
beg strangers for money? I didn't (and still don't!) get
it and neither did he!

Anyway, that is just ONE prime example ... she laughs at
nothing in particular ... she laughs at things that are not
funny and she laughs at the most inopportune times! I keep
telling her over and over again that there is a time and
place for EVERYTHING! I'm consistently saying to her at
any given moment, "Time and Place rule!" ... not just for
laughing or acting inappropriately, but for other things as
well, but it seems she still hasn't gotten it in her head.
Is it asking too much to expect an 11 year old to
understand the importance of A TIME AND PLACE FOR
EVERYTHING? I don't think so! It's not as if she's
mentally challenged, and even if she was I think she would
understand it ... the problem is, she CHOOSES not to
understand ... I guess that's just another facet of her
rebellion. Lucky, lucky me ... only 7 more years of this!

Let's see what else? Oh ... Chantelle and I went to see
the movie 'I am Sam' with Sean Penn and Michelle Pfeiffer
on Friday afternoon. It was really good ... Chantelle
wanted to see 'Orange County', but she's already seen it
TWICE with her friend Madison and I don't really care to
waste my money on that type of film ... I think Chantelle
liked the movie, though I know it wasn't really her 'kind
of movie'.

Alright ... I guess that's enough for now ... I've got
things to do ... gotta get off my ass and go clean my
bathroom ... Chantelle's up, but doesn't want me to make
her any breakfast ... 'just a bowl of cereal, mom' ... fine
with me ... at least she's eating corn flakes. Ok, now
she's arguing with me because I told her to put some banana
on her cereal! Geez ... she'll argue with me for
ANYTHING! And that ATTITUDE! I am so sick of it! "I
don't want to, I don't feel like it, why should I ..."
WHATEVER ... I am the parent and she is going to do what I
say if I have to die trying!

ciao for now ...





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