Jencaero

Happy Noodle Boy Rox!
2002-01-27 18:14:47 (UTC)

24

damnit ive been sick since late thursday and i havent
gotten better @ all
not @ all
in fact, im worse
lol
screw it
i cant think
i cant walk well, or speak well
i cant think
i havent played tennis since tuesday (which for me is a
tremendously long time)
I CANT THINK
and i have all these projects to do
did i mention that i cant think
and dangit i think im havin a reaction to the medication
cuz my stomachs been crampin up
poor, poor me

haha i noticed the other day
that im a pessimist
or at least by the 1/2 empty thing
cuz i remember thinking to myself: moms gas tank is half
empty
lol pessimists arent supposed to live as long
id prefer to be called a realist it sounds much nicer
i see it like it is
or at least think i do

crap i cant think
i had some good thoughts but cant remember them
andrew just walked outta my life damnit
damnit damnit damnit damnit
woah i feel like im gonna faint
tough shit for me, huh
im brainwashed
by the catholic church
its scary
how they just drill things into you
@ mass yesterday father joe was speaking about the
wrongness of abortion
but he didnt explain why
he just preached @ us
how can he expect people to change their minds without
reasoning?
if i tell a 2 year old dont drink poison
there is no threat to the 2 year old
until i explain why not to
if i dont explain
the 2 year olds not going to see whats so bad bout it.
damnit i need to find my old diary
and contemplate on some of those thoughts
its been a long time
those thoughts were written in the summer
lol this summer
the summer that im always gonna remember
the best summer of my life
no worries
see andrew every day, play tennis with him for a few hours,
walk the golf course with him
play air hockey and what not
talk to him @ night
or hang with him while his dad played in the league
those were the days man
i dont think ill ever have that again
i was.... happy... content
amazingly

haha and then theres brian
poor brian why did he have to like me
i mean
pick someone else!
wow kinson really hated lizzy
and annoyed the crap outta her cuz he was laughing
when brian told him he liked me
lol
i felt terrible because they hated lizzy and every time she
would come around theyd be so MEAN
lol
kinson read my diary
lol
hehe and kyle almost did i got so pissed @ him for that
cuz he was startin to make fun of me
generaly hes really nice to me
luckily (cuz hes mean to pretty much every1 else)
but grrrrrrr that got on my nerves
and him callin ben brown fatty or whatever
of course ben was annoying
so
i shouldnt be talking
i guess i took things for granted
yet how can just doing things like that
which appear to be somewhat shallow
truly satisfy me
?
true, i was getting opinions on my thoughts
but
?


and what am i doing here?
why me?
fuck i mean
what sets me apart from other people

nothing?

did i tear them out?
my diary entries?
theyre not in my diary... perhaps i have the wrong one
i remember in 7th i wrote so many notes to austin in 1 of
my journals
i really liked him
looking back on it, he and i had a lot in common
though now i do not know
how many times have i tried to keep a log, record of my
thoughts and failed
countless and yet dont i always try again
this is the one journal ive written in most, though perhaps
that is because its so simple to type and delete...

back again to why people are here:
are we just god's (if there is one) playthings?
how could he truly love a creation so sinful
so pitiful
so inferior?
and yet....
fuck i need more words
there arent enough words to speak with
though im rambling
to ramble like this i need words
what are words?
they describe feelings
and yet how can we describe words?
with words?
based on feelings
yet if everyone is different, wouldnt everyones feelings be
different, therefore needing different words
and how can we know the true meaning of words
if theyre based on something we have yet to experience?
not saying that people sometimes dont feel the same emotions
yet the emotions and degree vary
from person to person
right?

im crazy
im asking a computer questions
oh well, genius borders on insanity
perhaps we are all insane and yet dont know it
this is my game
this is my game
proving things wrong, stumping people

and why do i play? 'tis such a stupid game
im such a stupid person
and what is my motivation to live?
the hope of something else?
something better

yet like ive said countless times before
perfection would be boring
boring is not bliss
without hate there is no love
without sadness there is no joy
without beggining there is no end
and yet
eternity
eternity
i would love to live for eternity
yet
eternity is not something i can grasp
neither is non-existance
i cannot grasp non existence
i think, therefore i am?
i am what?
i am alive?
i am here?
i am weird?
i am existing?
i am who am... adonai?
i am myself?
i am different?
what am i
who am i
where have i come from
why
why
why
fuckin why
how do i make it
how do i live how do i die
how do i exist
is this just an illusion?
when i wake up, do i wake up as a machine
programmed to react to things
who has no past,
yet believes she does?
no past
what if
what if i just have the memory of a past
and yet
and yet
and yet
?
what if my body aches now
and it ached a minute ago
but a minute ago is a memory
and this memory was planted into me?
what if the keys i type
what if this journal
is a memory
is proof that i exist
but yet it couldve been set up
everything coulve been set up
faith
what is faith
am i lacking in it
AM I LACKING?
bible
there are so many ways to intrepret it
just as any book
there are many who see things differently
i FEEL


is religion just a way to control society?
a mind game?
a judiciary system
designed to scare the crap outta us?
is it?
is it the dont talk to strangers or theyll eat you up?
or is it real
am i blasphemous for thinking this
yet how can i control my thoughts

perhaps my surface thoughts
but surely not my words

im so confused
with trying to put feelings into words
thoughts into words im so alone
and yet
i want to be
better than the next person

with thoughts with looks with personality
and yet
i am what i am
do i have control
or is it a theme of destiny

destiny
how could i be DESTINED to go to heaven or hell
DESTINED to live a life....
yet free will
nothing is free, nothing is in my control
the only thing i control, is myself
and yet if i dont control thoughts
then
?

do i see things in black and white
or do i see them in colors
as far as
how rules should be implemented
i mean is it the same for everyone?
or do i see things in both
hmm
both
haha that was quick
and easy
and painless


damnit i want to know who i am
who i AM!
and if i dont know, then how could anyone else
?

somtimes theres so much pressure to fit in
to try to go with the crowd and shit
and sometimes i give in
for the hell of it
i shouldnt
im such a hypocrite
a fuckin hypocrite

is hypocricy based on ignorance?

does hate root in ignorance?

hmmm
i changed my mind
im an optamistic pessimist
(yes i came up with that all on my own)
:)

fuckin eh'
i think im gonna start closin my entries with that
blame canada.....
fuckin eh'?