kristenshotwell

K of...Whatever the Hell
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2002-01-27 07:17:37 (UTC)

Chapter 3: KO-TO-WA-RI

Big surprise. Big, fucking surprise.

I am so tired of this. So tired of it. I had the shittiest
night imaginable at work and now it's got me going back
into those spells. It's been so long, too long, since I've
had any kind of time where I didn't feel like I was losing
my fucking mind, where I couldn't find enough ways to be
happy and reclaim the days of my past where I was really
Kristen. How am I Kristen anymore? I'm not. I'm this
completely different entity, struggling just to be alive,
let alone a human being, completely opposite of the person
I once was. It's a frightening life in which I'm not free
to speak my mind or my heart without being criticized for
melodrama. It's not a life I enjoy living.

Too long, too long this has been going on, the reflecting
on the turmoil and the lack of time and capability to relax
and let it drift away from me.....

What the hell is an Internet diary for? I guess I don't
care if anyone reads it or not. Those who do will just be
more aware of my melodrama than others, I suppose. What do
I care. Not like I can say anything without sounding like
the stereotypical depressed teenager. It all sounds too
cliche after a while. But what do I care. I don't expect
anyone to understand, if even I can't understand myself.

I keep trying to figure out... just what it is I'm truly
capable of. It's obviously not being able to keep my loved
one happy all the time, when all I ever do anymore is bring
him down into my downward spirals of depression. All of my
dreams are so stupid. They always have been. What makes me
think I'm capable of achieving anything great? In the end I
know I'll amount to nothing as extravagant as I envision in
my mind. My ridiculous fantasies of one day proving to the
people who wronged me that I'm important in some way...
what makes me think that will ever happen? I want so badly
to show everyone who's cost me some of my life that I
amounted to something great despite the shit they tossed at
me. But I know it'll never be. There just isn't any room
for something so rewarding to happen to me. It's not the
plan God has for me. Maybe I wasn't made by God at all.
Maybe it was Buddha's doing... he, who says that to live is
to suffer, is the more probable of the two...

I have stupid, stupid things that have ridden my mind in my
wildest dreams that no one on this planet and no gods in
the heavens have heard of before. No one's going to read
this anyhow, so might as well...
I'm not sure if I ever would have been able to do it, or if
I would do it without him in my life, but a part of me has
always wanted to be in the army. Some girls dream of riding
ponies in the setting sun, some dream of being
vetenarians... when I was a girl, I had crazy visions of
serving in the army alongside the boys. I wanted to be a
rebel. I wanted to be in a war. My other half, my little
girl side I showed to everyone, said that I wanted to be a
mother and a housewife. Sure, it was true, but if I
couldn't have one I wanted the other. When he came in to my
life, I was basically guaranteed my more feminine
aspirations, so I let my others go. I never told anyone
else about my alternative ego. No one would've cared then,
and no one would care now, I'm sure.

I just wanted a way to be seen that would earn me respect.
I wanted a way of living where I could be a hero, a martyr,
a contributor to society and the well being of mankind...
anything. I just wanted a way that would ensure just
treatment from others.
I'm still looking for whatever that is.

All I do is depress him. All that happens when I ask him
for help is me feeling worse and putting an equal amount of
blame on the both of us.

Sometimes, I dream of death with such a horrifying
fascination.....

All I want is... I don't even know anymore... too many
things.
I want recognition, I want to be a respected individual...
I don't want to be a drama queen, I want to be taken
seriously for all of the very real and very intense pain I
go through... I want to go one month, one week even, where
I don't feel that blade staring me straight in the eye....I
don't want to, I don't want to, but it lures me in every
time until it seems like I've run out of blood...this has
gone on for so long... rotting away in my mind... wasting
away to a motionless contradictory being... to the point
where I'm not even misunderstood anymore....I'm just not
understood at all...

...I just want things to be okay...

...it was so much more than just a bad night at work.

I love you...goodbye.


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