Reality Bites
2002-01-27 05:52:13 (UTC)

If only she knew

Lately I've been thinking about things a lot and I need to
really change I think. In a lot of ways..Obviously for
myself and my sanity I need to loose these last 20 pounds
and stop loosing 10 and gaining it back and just loose all
20 and be done with it...but besides that I need to change
a lot...I made a list this time last year that I thought if
I did these things that Jason would like me-and not just
Jason but guys in general..

My Improvements:
1) Loose 40 lbs (only lost 20 and people say I shouldn't
loose more than 10 more, but whatever I need to)
2) Clear skin (Done)
3) Hair ontop of arms off (Done)
4) Lighten hair (Need to do it again :-/)

Now, it just seems like yes, those things are important for
ME, but not so that Jason, or Jesse, any other guy finds me
acceptable to be seen with. I mean as of now, I think I'll
be good if I loose 20 pounds and find a hair color I like
as far as my apperance goes...I've gotten nothing but
compliments from people since I lost the weight and stuff
but surprisingly enough I feel no different. I still don't
have the confidence I should. I'm 15 and I can't talk to a
hot guy without making a fool of my self and I should be
able to at least TALK to hot guys...Jesus dude what's wrong
with me? I think I need to somehow work on getting
confidence...although I don't know how. And also I need to
work on my grades because when I get all socially involved
with all this shit my grades suffer...and all the drama
makes me even more un-happy so this semester, I'm still
gonna go out and stuff, I'm just not gonna let myself get
involved with any drama..or at least I'm gonna try not to.

And last but certanly not the least thing on my
mind...Jesse...As always he's confusing me lately and I'm
just lost. This bitch gave her number to him in hopes of me
getting angry because her and I got into a little tiff the other day. She full on told people that's why she
gave it to him, and it's like why would someone want to do
that...I have no official claim on him ya know? So even tho
I was upset at first cause i was scared he was gonna go out
with her and get the STD's that I know she has and then he
would get hurt cause she just uses guys and dumps them like
as a regular thing and I don't want that for him. If he's
gonna date someone other than me, they very well better be
nice people cause he's the nicest guy in the world and he
deserves someone who will understand him. That's another
thing...People think he's so dumb and nieve and he is, but
he's not. Like he's not as dumb as people think he is and
yes he is nieve, but its refreshing for me cause I don't
have to worry about being stupid in front of him or if the
kiss isn't "right" at first. He's so genuinely a good
person and we understand eachother..I can walk into a room
and he can tell from looking at me what mood I'm in, no
matter how hard I try and mask it. I've never found that in
someone before and I'm so scared to let it slip away...ah
well, time will tell I suppose...I'm gonna go watch Reality
Bytes...I'm sure next time I'll have some good quotes from
there lol...Lator Gator~ME~

"I don't know whose side I'm takin'
But I'm not takin' things too well
I can see inside you're achin'
But is it still too early for me to tell?
I try to help you out through the hardest of times
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind
Though it looks as if it's over
I'm still not over you

'Cause I still love you like I did before
I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do
If only she knew
Whoa, if only she knew, oh

I know she loves you and I can't interfere
So I'll just have to sit back and watch my world disappear"-
Michelle Branch