Ophelia

you'll feel better if you lie...

April 20, 5:15 p.m.
song of the moment: katy song by red house painters

the reason i havent written much lately is that i only
write when i need to. and i only need to when something is
going on. so its not like i go through these insane things
i talk about everyday all the time. i just wanted to say
that. please believe that i'm not as fucked up as i
seem...but i think that today i'm even more fucked up that
i could describe. i'm so caught up in everything that i
have to consciously tell myself to breathe. i dont know
what to do. i dont even want to know what to do because i'm
afraid. and i dont know why because it isnt like i could be
anymore hurt than i am already. nothing at all could be
worse than this. and maybe i'm pathetic and making a crisis
out of this but to me this is. and you dont even have to
know what it is becuase thats not important. all that
matters is that this is what i'm feeling right now. for
once i dont want to think about why or where or anything. i
just want to make it through this moment. and right now
that is honestly a struggle. every second is something that
i dread. i dont want to have to face whatever it is that
will come next, i'm too afraid. and i hate myself for that.
i feel so pathetically weak. i wish i could handle this
like anyone would be able to...