This is me and how my life goes.
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2001-04-20 19:31:16 (UTC)

Is Death the only way out?

Dear Journal,
I'm such a freakin moron. I lost my Visa Check card a
couple of weeks ago and I promised myself I'd be more
careful once I got the new one. I lost it and my ID
yesterday and it's only been a day. Damn it!!! I can't ever
do anything right. I swear it's like i'm prone to disaster.
Little things that I do like this drive me crazy. I can't
remember anything half of the time... ahhhhhhh!!!! I was
having an ok day and then that pissed me off and me being
all upset just reminded me of being upset with David and
that whole situation and I just keep crying and crying. I
just want... I just want to forget everything ever
happened. Why can't I just start over, fresh a brand new
start. I mean gosh, there is no one to talk to, I mean I
have a new friend and she's so cool it's nice having
someone to talk to. The one person I want to talk to and I
want to hold me though I don't think wants to listen, what
do I do then? I miss him so much sometimes it hurts. Some
days he's all I can think about, i'm not talking about
David. Some days I just want to be in his arms and I just
wnat to cry, I think I feel way closer to him then he does
to me, I mean he was really important to me. Sometimes I
feel like the only way out is death. I mean not killing
myself or anything but just death. I don't want to die and
I know that but sometimes things just get so bad. I can't
do anything right, I can't stop thinking about him and I
can't stop seeing the rape over and over again. I mean i
know I should be moving on and i'm trying some days I can't
believe how strong I am and then days like this hit me and
I feel so weak like I can't do anything like i'm nothing a
nobody. I hate that!! I am somebody and I have to keep
telling myself that just to keep going everyday. I do
matter to someone, i'm not sure who that someone is but I
do matter. The only person I think that really keeps me
going is God. Oh, Why do I feel like this? I've never ever
in my life felt so... sad all the time. I'm not used to
this, i want to smile and be carefree and young and not
have a worry in the world, why can't I go back to that? Why
can't my life be like it used to be, before David and
before having my heart broken. If I could go back, I
wouldn't make the same mistakes over. I'm sure i'm supposed
to get a lesson out of these mistakes I make but I haven't
yet figured it out. Well i'm cying and the screen is all
blurry so i'm going to stop typing right now.