hopelessly_passive

bored out of my mind
2002-01-26 08:40:31 (UTC)

tapering off?

i don't know. when did i last update? in a frenzy of
alcoholic self-loathing, probably. a friend was asking
recently if i had an online journal, and i had to laugh at
him...would i ever show these bleeding fear-blinded pages
to anyone i care about?...

my portable cd player is threatening to go on strike. i'll
stick my hands through the window if it does. suede is
keeping my head above water right now, so to speak. i
can't have audible music...dad's sleeping downstairs for
some reason. no reason. i feel frozen when he's around,
even when he's asleep, or even when he is being kind.

i saw a new message when i signed on to update...that
surprised me. it also touched me that a stranger would
read this senseless tangle of words and care enough to
leave me a tiny spot of light, after reading what i am and
what i do. thank you, whoever you are.


if i were an animal, i would be a betta fish.

they fight with their own reflections.

they don't know the difference

i'm looking for one single thing to save me

a song

a poem

a word

a person

?

i think and think and trace my thoughts across my skin with
a razorblade


i'm falling again.