a freak with a heart
2002-01-26 06:56:47 (UTC)

Who am i

Dear Diary,

over the last 3 months just about i have really changed
as a person. i've changed so much that i don't even really
know who i am anymore. i know who i used to be....and i
know what i've become....but i don't know who i am!
everything that i used to know and be im not anymore!
and fr the most part what i've become i don't want to be. i
used to know myself so well. but now days i couldn't even
begin to explain myself for some of the things that i've
done. i guess i should start by telling you who i was and
who i am now and what i want to be....then well get to
other thing. trust me if you are not in the mood to read a
long long enrty you might now want to read this. i have a
lot i need to get out and i have to do it tonight! ok i
told you, now let me get started......

i said it started about 3 months ago right....well
actually it really started the begining of Augest, before i
met jeremy. at that time i started to change as a person,
not much just little things at first... like the way i
looked the way i acted started to change. like i said just
little things that really only i noticed at first. but then
i met jeremy and things really started t change for the
better in my life. i became...i don't know happier, more
comfurtable around ppl, and started to realize that i could
be myself and ppl would learn to except that. i loved the
person i was becoming, i was finding that lost part of
myself that i was hidding in the corner all my life. i
stopped caring so much what other ppl thought and started
to speak my mind more. i was becoming stronger!!!! and
things were great in my life for a few months, i had a
great boyfriend, i was learing to love myself, and i was
learing to express mysel. but then things started to
change.....i stated getting depressed and not knowing why.
i was changing again and this time not for the better...

ok i used to be a very quiet, shy, scared, not out
speaken, weak, afraid, intimadated girl! even around my
friends i would be quiet and shy! but i also was a great
listener, very understanding, kind, loving, sweet person as

and now...

im out speaken, stronger, independent, loud, mean, and
cold, so cold! i...im lost! i like...no i love that i am
now this out speaken, stronger, more independent person.
but i hate that i am so cold and unforgiving, and so
misundesood! but i hate who i was except that i was a great
listener, and lving, and warm, and caring!
i don't know who i am anymore and it's destroying my
life! it's hurting everyone i love! it's hurting me! i
guess the cause of all this was all the changes at once. i
mean i guess it was to much for me to handle! it caused me
to go into this depression, all the stress and presser
caused my depression. and my depression caused me to get
lsot. lost in my own mind!
i can no longer make decisions for myself. if you ask
me something chances are i'll say i don't know! cause i
don't know, i don't know what i believe in, i don't know
what i used to believe in, i don't know what i want in
life, i dn't know who i am and it scares me! it scares me
more then anything!
if you have read my diary before and follow it you know
i;ve had a lot happen to me just over the last like 20
days, and these 20 days have been the worst in my life. so
you know what im talking about! and remember when i asked
for help with the whole sex thing cause i didn't know what
to do! well i can tell you, i used to know exactly what i
wanted...i have always wanted to wait till marrage to have
sex. and now with this new person i didn't know what i
wanted to do and it was really driving my boyfriend insane!
i couldn't make up my mind to save my life! but now i
can....i still want to wait, and i know jermey loves me
enough to wait until i am ready! but you know what i was
only able to come to that deciesion after jeremy and i
decided to spent 3 days apart. i needed those days to
completely learn about who i am again! i needed these days
apart for myself. i know it's hurting jeremy to be away
from me but i have to hold out i have to! if i give in i
might keep jeremy fomr hurting but i'll be killing myslef,
and maybe for good this time. maybe next time i wont be
able to save myself. so even though it's hurting jermey i
have to keep away from him and all my friends and my family
just until i can reavaulate my whole life! and im sorry to
all the ppl i might be hurting by keeping myself locked
away for right now but please try and understand if i don't
do this for myself i will end up hurting everyone i know.
because you all now that i have changed and im not who you
used ro know anymore. and i mean if i don't even know
myslef how can you, but then again you might know me better
then i do!
i'll be ok i jsut need some time to find myself so i can
become the person i was about 3 months ago before i hit
depression and became lost and cold. so it's going to be me
and my diary for the next few days and thats it. but i will
write everything down to keep you informed of how im doing.
and i know i'll be ok cause just after 1 1/2 days i have
already started to learn about who i am again. hopefully by
saturday night i will now who i am! and what i want, and
i'll find that lost part that got lost in all the
depression and changes, i'll be me again. i'll be the
person who my boyfriend fell in love with, i'll be the
friend that all my friends know so well, and most of all
i'll be who want ot be...no who i was at the beginin, and
not who i am now....but that person i fell in love with
after i changed and before it hit depression and everything
started falling down to the earth so fast that no one could
right now i am happy...i know how i am going to save my
relationship that is hurting because of ME, i will know who
i am, i will be able to answer questions...and not drive my
boyfriend insane...cause i know i have been, even though he
trys to be nice and says it's both of us that have changed
when really it's just me! i'm the one who changed, and im
the one who's lost. but not for much longer! i just hope
jeremy understands that i need to do this! i need to for
myself...even though it will hurt him i still have t do
this. and if there was another way and i didn't have to
hurt him i would do it in a heart beat. i hate hurting him
so much it kills me to know that i am causeing him pain.
but if i don't do this it will end up hurting him even more
in the end, cause then i'll be really lost and probably not
even the same person he fell in love with and i couldn't so
that to him. but most of all i am doing this for myself!!!!