Pandora

Shame, SHAME!!

25 Jan 2002
10:30 p.m.

I'm not even going to write about all the crap that I
ate today.
I really don't know what to say. I lost eight of the fifteen
pounds I gained, which is good, I suppose. Dance is kicking my ass,
which is excellent. I'm miserable. That's not so good. An
explanation is required.
So last night I had a dream that I met R's family (?) and then
some girl was across the hall and no one would tell me who she was
there to see. I remember she was kinda dark (not especially dark,
but darker than me) and she had on this funky blue hat, real cute.
And I was upset for some reason; maybe because she was there or
because no one would tell me why.
I'm frustrated. I'm binging. It wouldn't be bad if I were
binging on alcohol (cause I'd throw it up) but I'm binging on junk.
Really bad. No discipline. I'm going to have to come up with
something. I don't know what, but it's gonna have to be drastic.
Xendadrine is making my system all funny (I'm jittery all the time,
I feel like I have a mild but permanent case of heartburn and when I
pee it's neon greenish-yellow--what the fuck is that?!) I went
online and found a virtual model, picked her features like mine and
made her 130 pounds. She's gorgeous. I don't know if that's
motivating or frustrating.
J's going out with a girl. Not officially or anything, but they
are going to go out. And I find that this fact is making me
jealous...NOT cool. This is NOT supposed to be happening. I'd
finally gotten past all this. I thought. I hate wanting something I
can't have, especially when I'm not in the place to go get it. Not
that if I were it would make a difference. My usual peacock
tricks probably wouldn't work on someone like him anyway. He strikes
me as one of those guys who are pretty cut and dry: you either have
him or you don't. And I don't. Fuck. I don't even know why I'm doing
this.
Plus some African guy tried to talk to me last night and I
didn't want him to. I was studying in R's room and he was taking a
nap and it was supposed to be a 5 minute trip to flex out and it
took almost half an hour and I wanted to vent to him last night and
he was sleep and I couldn't cause he'd only had like 4 hours of
sleep and I felt selfish.
I could throw up. All I want is my muscle back, and
abs. I want a figure.