Trixie Dust

Trixies in the Wind
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2002-01-26 02:32:06 (UTC)

Hey there

Lemme tell ya- The mothman prophecies is an awesome
movie!!! Its sooo great! It was really cool, really
thought provoking. And the special effects were awesome, I
loved the composition of the movie. It was really really
cool.

*Nawh... i didnt go to the movies tonight*

Like, it made me think. It talked about how people saw
things, and they thought those people were crazy. Ashley
didn’t like it, shes more of an analytical person. I liked
it because it was mental, it got me really into it… really
thinking… like, Ive been really confused latly, I think
most of us have been… and like, it helped me think. I
mean, what if there really are spirits out there that help
us to get along? To live? Its amazing… we can choose to
change fate. We can make decisions that can totally change
our lives forever. We can change our stars. ;) Yes, I
did steal that line from A Knight’s Tale. Lol.

There is a kitten perched on my shoulder. Well, there
was. Lol.

Like, I didn’t get a chance to tell everyone what happened
yesterday. Mom said that shes just been confused latly and
is really messed up and doesn’t know why and is sorry for
what she did, she shouldn’t say mean things to me. At
least it wasn’t the alcohol talking this time.

I hear yelling… * shrugs *

Like, I was at Drill Practice, and I had a panic attack.
First Sergeant had me drill with the weapons, and I started
breathing kinda heavy and couldn’t stop. I couldn’t
breathe after we got off the pad… It was knutz. Then mom
lit into me about everything, and im not trying to be a
bother or anything to her… it just I don’t know. I really
don’t. But I started to cry alittle while I was in the
car, I really didn’t understand why she was yelling at me.
And like, I forced myself to stop. Then I was taking out
the garbage, cuz im usually the one who does the dishes and
such, and I just broke down at the end of the drive way. I
was like, ‘everythings okay, everythings okay, okay its not
okay nothing is okay’ and I just kinda broke down. I
couldn’t help thinking, ‘mom doesn’t like me, everything I
do its to get her to like me. She doesn’t. she sees me as
a chore and nothing more than that, im just a bother to
her’. True or no, that’s how I felt. She hardly noticed
when I made drill, didn’t care quite frankly, and was like,
good you got good grades. Colleen, on the other hand, gets
all this attention, even if its negative, its still
attention. I feel bad for mommy, I try to spend time with
her and stuff, but all she does is whine. And like, ive
noticed, people have a habit of turning what you say into
them. I mean I do it to, but like, im not like, when
someone says ‘yeah, I ate cheerios for breakfast,’ I don’t
say ‘well my mom makes me pancakes’ trying to compare or be
better. Lol. Its funny how we humans search for
attention. I mean, I like it, but I don’t always try to be
in the spotlight. I like to get a pat on the back when im
right, or be the person with all the answers, cuz I want
someone to say ‘thank you tricia’. Its nice. I hate having
to figure out and cater to each persons personality
though. Its hard. I mean, that’s just what I do, I think
before I speak and try to not offend people. I weigh out
what something I say is going to do to the other person.
Like, for example, sometimes Im mean to Greg. I should be
nice to him because all the people he hangs out with in his
group are all the same way, they all constantly cut
eachother down. But I don’t just do it just to do it, if I
say something mean its because hes genuinly being an ass.
That’s how I am. I was out of character today, I basically
stayed home cuz I wanted to. Granted, im sick. But ive
been sicker before and gone to school. I just wanted a day
to take a break. To just kinda lounge around the house,
and it was very very nice. I didn’t mind it at all.

I hate this whole being a teenager thing. Its like,
everytime I think ive got it figured out I get smacked.
Granted, I do realize that this is all for the best, and I
don’t let it take advantage of me. But man, it can be hard
sometimes.

I felt bad in Life Management. Like, this one girl Kristen
at my table, in 7th grade her dad left her mom for another
woman, with no warning, and I explained in vague detail
about mine, that he went to texas saying he was going to
his sisters and the day he was there he was engaged to a
woman with three children and didn’t even tell any of us, I
was supposed to go with him and he didn’t tell me. I kinda
felt like I was stealing the spotlight… but I backed down
quick.

You know what kinda comments make you feel all nice and
happy inside? Ones like this: ‘I really admire your
uniqueness. Your such a sweet person.’ :-D I got that
comment from Megan. I like Megan. Shes my friend. That
comment and ‘I will never leave you’, especially when Matt
says it. I really don’t like getting left, and I mean it
when I say it would probably kill me if matt left me. I
would snap. My Dad left me, my brother left me- I know it
was when I was a little kid but it really messed me up, my
grandma is really sick, I had to leave all my friends and
family, half my friends stabbed me in the back, my church
fell apart- more specifically- Clark left me… I just dunno
if I could deal with anyone else leaving me. Im not trying
to make myself out to sound like my life is hell- I really
like my life, I love being me and wouldn’t want to be
anyone else- especially because whoever was me would get
matt * grr to them * and would have all my friends, and my
pets and my family… they really are good people- but one
thing I would still have is God, which would totally rawk.
But I wouldn’t be me if I was someone else, and I think im
a pretty cool person. Granted, I do stupid things and
stuff, but I like being me.

For all of those I havent confused yet : Laters
For those I have: you probably gave up and left lol

For Matt, Marie, Huggles and all you other people that mean
anything to me: I love you with all my heart

-Laters-


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