casey vespa

street knife fight
2002-01-26 01:34:56 (UTC)

*the time is 2:22 and i hope your wish comes true...*

ok so my brain feels like its melllllting. ok thats great.
just great. so i think MAYBE ive been doing too much
thinking and not enough actually DOING. im online wayyyyy
too much because i live vicariously through the computer.
ok so obviously i cant write very well right now. my
grandpa died yesterday i guess...and i heard about it
right after i had my own personal nervous breakdown so
that was fun. I really do NOT want to go down to san diego
to go through his stuff and go to some service for
him..its just so dumb to me. i dont want to remember my
grandpa for how he acted the last few years...or dead. i
guess this all hasnt really processed in my brain yet. i
dont know. and boys are really the cause of much of my
trauma lately. i tend to get my hopes up really high and
then hit a really low low when i get disappointed. i try
to stay upbeat and not look bummed, but its when im alone
that it really hits me. ive been alone a lot lately. i
dont like it at all. i crave people around me. i am
envious of people in a relationship who both really really
like eachother. i really cant settle on just whatever,
otherwise i lose interest exceptionally fast. too bad id
do just about anything for people who feed me occasional
kind words...i am a sucker like that. right now i dont
know what to do with myself and i am grappling with who it
is i am...sort of an identity crises i suppose. its hard,
im like leaving this really big punk phase in my life and
all the things that go with it. that may sound really
really lame to someone who reads this, but seriously,
going from hanging out with punks to hanging out with
hardcore straight edge kids is a huuuuge transition.
whatever man i am just going to be bitter and angsty my
whole life. basically i hate. that pretty much somes it
all up. i hate people. i hate stupidity. i hate being nice
and trying so very hard my heart feels its out of energy
and then being kicked in the face. it only takes so long
before i cant be nice anymore...maybe then people will see
me and give me the time of day. because that is how fucked
up the world is.

*baby baby tell me that you never wanted my loving baby
baby tell me as you turn and face the wall, tell me you
never were my type of lover and tell me we were fools to
fall...shout it to me and ill shout it to the skies above
me, that there was nothing after all...*