2002-01-25 23:06:40 (UTC)

Jan 25, 2002

You know that people are scared of me?!

Can you believe that me someone who use to be pushed around
teased and made fun of, me there are people out there that
are afaird of me!

That is crazy it is all the hurt that I have endured and
therefore I am stronger but I will tell you my weakness, I
see my mind as slow and behind I thrist for knowlegde not to
improve myself but too not be behind I am not competting but
I am surviving. I believe on the beauty that people see is
not surface wise but maybe I am a pretty person underneath.
but I see in the mirror an ugly women someone who will never
achieve greatness ever. I also see fat, I might be on the
scale and see 130 pounds but I see in the mirror over 400
pounds. This is wrong but I know that I am fat I have dealt
with my weight all my life and everyone is saying you are
skinny and they wish they had my body but for God sake's I
have ripped clothes because I feel fat or my body is all
bruised because I am fat I have even gotten to the point
that I have pinched myself to point of bleeding.

Those are my weakness, I fear failure which I have failed at
everything, work, school friends, and relationships. I have
disappointed my parents by not comforming to the normal
portuguese life and become a wife. I have challenged my
religious and know that I will go to hell one day.

I find myself crying because no one understands and no will,
I had two nervous brekdown what the fuck do you think I
wasn't perfect and I am not. I don't trust and I will never
love again. At the age of 27 I see nothing but a young
person body with a old women's heart. I don't have pretty
hands, my bones hurt from dieseses that I have, and I know
there is something more phyically wrong with me but I am to
afraid to go to the doctor. Do you know how it feels to know
that you might loose your legs one day? I do because
Thursday morning I couldn't get out of bed for a brief
moment I felt nothing!

Now people might be afraid of me, but I am more afraid of
falling in front of them. I had increible sex yesterday but
I don't remember if it was real or a dream?