fucked up
2002-01-25 20:00:02 (UTC)

I don t know what exactly im..

I don't know what exactly im going to be writing abuot.
brad is a great freind i love him to death. i havn't
really talked to rose lately. hopefully we can do
something together this weekend. I would really like matt
to be there. She has met him twice but they didn't really
talk or anything. I know that they would get along verry
well. They are alike.
I did my tarot reading last night. Wierd as all hell.
It was all talking about love. I'll put it in here at the
end. Actually i have alot of stuff to do. I have a test
in gov't on thursday. I love the teacher. She gave us a
study guide in two different ways. because she understands
that people learns in different ways.
Ok now about something really emotional. Eric came over
again yesterday. It was really wierd. He was sick. He
hadn't eaten but i didn't feel the need to make him eat.
I feel that he needs to learn how to take care of
himself. It is sort of hypocritical though because i
don't really take caer of my own needs. I am trying
though. i think i am doing well. i am taking my meds
when i am suposed to and i am trying to make myself eat.
Don't get me wrong i don't have an eating problem, i just
don't really eat. but somedays i eat waaaayyy to much so
maybe its ok. ok now back to eric. He was touching my
hair and i told him not to because i had a bf. He said i
didn't so i would have to come up with a better excuse. I
was shoked. I was all "Excuse me??" he said that we
didn't label it. Wich is true. but come on. I have
someone els in my life. i don't feel comfertable with
anyone touching me like that. It wasn't touching my hair
that botherd me. It was the energy he put out when he was
doing it. i felt verry uncomfertable being with him
alone. I don't feel like we can be friends yet. i don't
want to be. I think that we should just not talk until he
gets it clear that we are over and that we will not be
together again. I really loved him. i thought that we
were soul mates and that we would be together forever. We
both took that for granted.
OMFG matt went out to eat lunch with his family.
Apearently i gave him a hicky last night. I had no
fucking idea. Niether did he. But his mother saw him and
she tore him to shreds (in his words) OMG i am so
embarassed. how am i ever suposed to face his parents
again?? I keep laughing but i know that i am turning 15
different shades of red. Fuck i am never going to his
house again. He's never going to be able to stay at my
house. His mother is going to hate me. oh wait now im
sure she does. LOL i still cant stop laughing. but
really i don't think that its funny. LMAO. never mind
everything i just sayd. she wasn't mad or anything. Shes
never seen him with one so she was making fun of him!!!
that is souch a relief but i still don't know if im ever
going to make it if i go over to his house. damn. She
wasn't mad she was just making fun of him. GO MOM!!
hehe. that sounds like my mom. well actually she doesn't
like hickys. she says there stupid and does not want to
know that much about my sex life. BUT after she first met
matt she fucking played the 20 question game. "Have you
guys slept together?" in what way? sleep as in falling
asleep in the same be? or as in haveing sex? (mind you
this was in front of my 12 year old brother.) "both" We
have fallen asleep together but no we have not had
sex. "does he smoke?" yes mother " does he smoke pot??"
every once in a while, at least he used to " any drugs??"
no "now this is the time to be honest with me noelle.I
don't care i am just wondering" Honestly he hasn't done
anything other than pot. "ok. i don't care if he drinks"
she doesn't even care if i drink. Actually she doesn't
even care if i do drugs. She said that she would rather
me do coke than acid though. Damn my mom is so cool.
Well sometimes. Last night she was the "other"
personality. No she doesn't really have multiple
personalitys although i kind of wonder. She just acts
totally diferent at times. One minute shes asking me for
muchrooms or acid, the next shes yelling at me because i
didn't finish the kitchen and she doesn't believe that i
knew that i wasn't done. she thinks that i do half of it
for fun and that i think im done. Like the other half
doens't exist. She doens't understand that when she yells
at me for it that she can't just say "the kitchen looks
nice" and expect me to do it for her again. Most of the
time i don't mind doing shit. But fucking a if i am going
to do something for her i do NOT want to get yelled at
while doing it. Hmm...actually i think i am going to go.
i have alot of stuff to do. i will write down my tarot
reading later.