Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-01-25 19:02:56 (UTC)

Hmmm.. What To Think When My Mind Likes To Lie..

1-25-02
12:00pm

Hmmm.. This depression business is getting pretty fucking
annoying. I am happy now but who knows how i will feel an
hour from now. I think I might know why I am depressed.. Or
at least why I am tearful.. Because of two promises I made I
can no longer use pain and thoughts of death as crutches, so
now I do not know how to deal with these thoughts of
hopelessness, lonelyness, anger, etc. I can no longer look
to physical pain to soothe me and honestly, I can not deal
with that. So now i cry and isolate myself. Not good. I need
to find new ways to deal with this internal stress but I
dont know what to do. Its like Im fighting a battle within
but I no longer have any weapons of my own so I fall victim
to the attacks of my mind. We will see what the weekend
brings. I am trying to find some distractions so I wont
think so much. Thinking leads to trouble. Remember the
gothic maiden..

I can be depressed, hopeless and happy at the same time..
Its..odd

I do feel a little hopeless right now. In my mind I can
picture how I want my life to be, what I want to happen, but
every time I picture this and try to work towards that, my
brain moves in and says "give up. It will never happen. You
have no chance of getting what you want so why try". Its
getting a little worse.. I have to force myself to even get
out of bed sometimes.. I have so much to do and think about
and no motivation..

This next part may sound a bit negative or whatever but i
cant help it.. This is what my mind came up with last night
around 1:00am

Needing someone is a horrible thing because when that person
is not around, it hurt so so much and that just isnt fair to
either party. It isnt fair to that other person because they
shouldnt have to carry such a large burden and it isnt fair
to you because you cant help it that you feel this way


Well, I have shopping and stuff to do.. Ill write when I get
the chance

~Christine~