Screaming Cathedrals
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2002-01-25 17:44:42 (UTC)

Sorry about the delay....

I've been really busy lately, so that's why there are no
recent entries. Jon and I have been trying our best to try
to save money for the move, so we really haven't had time
for much of anything.
Well, that and online pool is addictive.

You know, last night Jon and I had a long discussion about
our beliefs on what happens when we die. And I realized
something about myself.... I really might be considered
quite insane.

Jon believes that there is a spirit realm... and he said he
pretty much just saw it in his head....

Well even if I did see a "divine scheme" then I wouild just
think myself crazy and dismiss it. You see.... even things
I feel, or think I feel.... often times I'll think back on
the time when I felt things, or saw things, and I say to
myself... "well, that could have been real, but it was most
likely just something my head made up."

Because, lots of times, when people go through trauma thier
minds create a "cushion" for them. A illusion to keep
reality from hitting them too hard.

So any time I feel anything divine, I pretty much dismiss
it as my mind making things up to please me. Not that I've
been through anything overly traumatic... but just because
I think almost everyone makes up a fake reality to please
themselves because life is too traumatic without the
thought of an afterlife. How many people could actually
live with the though that there is absolutely nothing when
we die?

Not many. So we make up fairy tales. Think about it... God,
heaven, and hell.... doesn't it all sound like a kids
story? Something we make up to tell the kiddies so that
they'll have things to dream about (Santa), yet it also
gives them insentive to be good. I'm sorry... but big
brother is NOT watching. And if he is, he's a sick little

People see what they want to see... hear what they want to
hear... And all I want is the truth. No candy coating. No
white fluffy clouds, no harmony, no singing.... that would
get boring, anyway.

Sometimes I think people just *need* answers so much that
they will convince themselves of anything just so that they
wont have to not know anymore. So that they wont have to
question their own sanity, as I do.

But Jon is the one who pointed it out. He said, "The people
that are truely insane are the ones who question their
sanity." So maybe I am... or maybe I'm more sane that any
of you. Simply because I don't indulge in my illusions.

Sometimes I think that people the majority of society call
insane are really the most sane of all of us. Sometimes I
think that we're just too dim to understand what they
see... what they mean. Because on average, humans only use
10% of their brain.... anyone in history that has used more
than that gets sent to the nut house. They "become crazy".

Well is it that they become crazy or is it that we're just
too damn stupid to keep up with them? Maybe there is some
bigger picture that we just can't catch onto.... Or maybe
they know the truth and it's so bad that they just don't
care anymore.... they know it's so much bigger than you and
me that it doesn't matter what anyone on this earth
thinks.... so they're just having fun making us all think
that they're crazy.

Or maybe it's so good that they feel they are doing us a
favor by bombing buildings with thousands of people in
it... maybe they think that they are doing good when they
shoot down men, women and children alike ... and then, of
course themselves.

We will never know.

Then again, we could all just be in a alien ant farm (and I
came up with that DAMN phrase before the band did! I demand
copywrite privilages!) We could be a test by some other
life form ... they could have just been testing to see if
evolution worked... they could have thrown the bible in as
a variable... sent down false images of Jesus... and the
like for all other religions. They could have all been
staged to see what we would do.... to see if we would do
the same as they did....and damn if we didn't put on a
great show for them!

I guess my problem is that I can't subscribe to anything
without second guessing it. I second guess myself most of
the time.... how am I going to believe in something that I
can't see, feel, taste, or hear when I sometimes wonder if
I'm real or just a dream....

So, am I insane, or are you all just too slow to keep up
with how sane I really am? hmmmm...

I don't even know the answer to that one.