zrich_01

ramblings
2002-01-25 06:13:35 (UTC)

Ex made me happy

So my ex just wrote my five notes (even though two of them
had no real substance) , which made me feel slightly better
i guess. Anyway, she says I should deal with the whole
Justin thing, but it's not really that simple. Okay, so
I've never actually done anything with a guy. Granted my
ex-girl and i did do wuite a bit, but not a whole lot. Not
really ready to go into to much detail. Sorry folks, go
read a trashy novel if you want to hear about adolescent
not-sex and fantasies (however the hell you spell it)

Okay, so she gave me a bunch of encouraging stuff. I never
really hear that. I guess I never did. Someone was always
better, had better pitch, could act better. I'm not saying
that it was bad to hear these things, but for once I want
someone to say "Hey, I really like your voice" or "That was
amazing" The few times I've heard it were when I sang in
Tampa with my eight person choir, and afterwards, a random
lady came up to me and told me that she knew i would be
famous, and that she loved my voice. I think i honestly
blushed. The other time was when people actually said i
did better than Kramer in Hello Dolly. I'm pretty sure i
acted cocky and all, but really, i was embarassed. I'm not
used to that. I'm used to Madden getting solos that I
deserved becuase I actually have soul in my voice, and he
makes rockin my sould sound like a death march. But i got
the mini solo. He was going to split up the main solo and
give it to two people too, but since my choir teacher
pretty much hated me, no good solo for Zack (my solo
was "rock, a rock, a rock, a rock rock...rock, rock, rock,
rock, rock, rock, rock, rock)

On to more things. My ex refused to comment on the fact
that i know about nsync, so zen, if you're reading, comment
on it. It's the only thing you really didn't comment on.

Back to Zen. Hmmm, I know she's reading this, so that
makes it a little more nerve wracking. I don't have a hard
time telling people facts and stuff, but when it comes to
actual feelings, i suck at it. Even if its on AOL IM or
something. Okay, so I guess, no, I do miss her. She was a
really big part of my life. Hell, she was my first, and so
far only girlfriend. I know I loved her, and I still do.
I'm just not in love with her, and she has Paul and we
would never be able to live together anyway, so it's all
good. She asked me if i would be able to lie to her. The
answer is yes. plain and simple really. I lie to
everyone: my parents, my friends, myself (which is not a
smart move, it's just that i'm still fucked up).

I have so much running through my mind right now. My voice
teacher knows Richard Marx's guitar player. They've been
really close friends for years she says. I might have to
use her for a connection somehow. Random thought time:

God I wish I was skinnier. I hate parts of me. I'm not
really sure if my parents love me as much as they think
they do or say they do. I don't really want to be in
college, but on tour. I need to start dancing again. I
want to hit someone, anyone really. I haven't had real
friends in years, except for maybe rach and linds, but i
dont see them enough. I want to be a label whore
sometimes. I want to walk down LA and get mobbed. I need
more tea. I really should go to church, just to think
really. I'm really confused about a lot of things. I have
to go buy a tape recorder so i can tape my computer playing
piano for my voice lessons. ::end rant::

well that was better




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