The Xdruggie Files
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2002-01-25 04:15:46 (UTC)

I will never understand straight people.

It's weird being back in MS. I have shielded myself with
gay friends, and gay movies, and gay tv etc, but with
treatment and being here i seem to have been thrown into a
strange new world (or one i haven't dealt with to this
degree in years) of straight people. My friends are pretty
much all straight (thank god my roommate is gay)but i am in
like a bizarro world version of 'straight' people. I guess
i started taking notice when my next door neighbor (that i
have hooked up with) started hanging out with this straight
guy. I know he's straight cause i have actually known him
for years and in the early 90's my girl roommate and i both
had a crush on this guy and she hooked up with him (we had
a bet-i was pissed i lost). Well now he is living with the
guy next door and they are together. He's apparently not
gay, but yet attracted to the soul (or the person) or
something of the guy next door. My roommate has also been
one to be able to hook up with straight guys on a more sex
based level. and yes i have had some experience with
straight guys, usually when they are fucked up, often in my
using days with straight strippers, and the like. In some
of their minds as long as they are not the one sucking or
getting fucked they are still straight. And i guess it's
funny that my best friend is this straight guy from
treatment. I told him we are dating. That way i have a
boyfriend who i don't have to put out for (and one that
doesn't want me to put out), but i guess it also feeds into
a codependency issue of having to have someone in my life,
but hey i can live with that. Anyway, it's like a no
pressure thing, and it's cool that people are more open
minded. Another straight guy in treatment told me that i
was the first gay person he has known and that i have
really changed his views...it's interesting as i have had
lots of people tell me that, which is odd to me, because i
think i am a horrible representation of the gay community
(hello- i am a druggie whore- or i used to be). but that's
not the point. The point is we are willing to grow along
spiritual lines....oh sorry got caught up in an AA
meeting...The point is that straight people now seem to be
more understanding than say 10 years ago which of course
makes perfect sense...so when the pat robertson generation
dies we might have made some progress. anyway i am getting
lost again. Getting back to gay/straight sex, when i was in
high school i dated a girl and was sexually active with
her, even after i told her and she knew i was gay. I did
this i guess to see if i could or if i would like it (hated
it), but mainly i did it so that when stupid straight
people asked me if i had been with a woman i could
say-yes, and i hated it. What's fucking me up though is
this trend recently of straight people wanting to have same
sex experiences. I know that psychologists would say that
we are all bisexual but that is just stupid. I guess i am
just feeling that this straight thing is closing in on me.
And all this bitching from a guy who's also said 'I have no
use for gay people or gay culture.'

I need a drink.


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