2002-01-25 03:26:53 (UTC)

I'm going as far as I can go...

...away from you, and this hole you've sunk me into.
I wish that I could belong here with you,
and just be, but thats not all that its about."

that should be my song for him right now. god im so
confused. what do i do. i dont have anyone there anymore,
really, not really, even sams all fucked up not even trying
to get in touch, and i have fucked up everything there, so
why go there when i have at least a couple people here...
but i want to start over.. i dont know. im so confused, i
probably wont even get in though.

sometimes you have to choose happiness or truth.

GOD FUCK. I started crying this afternoon when I read her
email and I just read it again and now I'm crying again.
fuck that man. that makes me so mad.

"truthfully, i really can't explain,
i'm floating, i'm smiling again,
truthfully, i cant ignore you, cus ive been waiting for you,
truthfully, im not desperate, i havent changed my mind
since we first met.."

god damn it. god damn it. this is why i wouldnt get
attached to anyone all this time. fucking year and a
half. because no one SHOULD have to deal with me spending
time with someone im so in love with that treats me like
shit half the time. no one should have to try to
understand that. but i cant walk fucking away from him.
he has the power to make me so happy, and so sad, and when
hes not trying i really believe he still loves me, and
we're not going to get back together we've decided this for
so long and so she shouldnt worry about that, but i cant
choose. i cant choose she shouldnt make me its not fair.

this is from a while ago, when her and i were realizing how
different we were.
"your life is built on accidents,
like meeting me..
if i am not fun,
and i am not interesting,
then perhaps im not so interested in you,
and neither are you."

fuck. fuck. im real not happy now. and richards on. hes
like "but i love you" WHY. WHY DO YOU LOVE ME. WHY. i
have never understood that. i never will. cus i know you
and youre a wonderful person that just takes too much
shit. no im NOT im NOT im BAD. im BAD. i fuck everything
up and i dont know what im doing ever. i love you. WHY.
TOO MUCH LOVE. thats my problem.

"its not always meant to be, and its not always up to me,
I just want this to be good, I just want this to be good,
but you dont understand, you dont understand me,
And I want to be understood."