a freak with a heart
2002-01-24 17:12:35 (UTC)

one step forward, 1,000 steps back

Dear Diary,

ok just ot let you know there will be lot's of entry's
during hte next 3 days, and you know why. i need to find
something to keep my mine off him. well remember how i sad
i was really sad and upset earlier when i was writing form
school the entry called (what do i do now). well im ok now,
i know it seems wrong but im perficly ok. i miss him and
all but im not crying and im not even really thinking about
him all that much...maybe cause it's still the first day.
but i have to say it hurts that i can't even leave him an
email to tell him that i love him to give him strengh to go
on, im emotionaly strong enough. i have very strong
emotions and for the most part im can't handle things
emotionaly. but jeremy can't....for the longest time be had
been blocking his emotions, but since i've been in his life
i've changed that....he now can show his emotions but he
has a really hard time with things. i just wish i could
give him my saport and let him know i love him.
i feel like sometihng i really wrong...now i don't mean
with my relationship cause yes i know there is something
wrong there and we are working to fix it, it's not that.
it's something else......i don't feel right. i feel fine
right now i mean im not sick, i don't feel sick, and yes i
miss jeremy but in not crying over it in pain right
now.....but something inside doesn't feel right! i feel
like he's in trouble, i never told anyone this but i feel
like, no i know my soul is conected to jeremy's. when he is
feeling really bad over something i can it inside, in my
soul. and right my soul feels like it's has been crying
forever, and it has a dul ach deep down inside. deep down
inside where only he knows how to reach and nly he can
reach. so i know something is not right with him. and i
can't do anything about it, to make it better, to help him,
to hold him in my arms and tell him it's ok, that i'll
alwasy be here for him, that i love him, that i want to
protect him from all this pain.
i've found that music is a great excape from the world
and a great way to express your soul. over the last month
from the time all these problems started i found that i
have turned to music more then anything. i jsut connect
with it.
music touches me so much that i can't even watch MTV
music videos anymore with out crying....but late at night
when im al alone and by myself i find crying to the music
comfurting, and it makes me feel better. cause i can let
out all my emotions.
a song that decribs me right now would be "ALL YOU
WANTED" by Michelle Branch. thats all i want is for him to
take me away and save me, cause it is so lonly inside and
so bussy out there. he's my protector, and he's so far out
of reach right now.

here's a list of songs that i find i can really connect
with, so if you need an excape yo umight want to try them

"ALL YOU WANTED"- Michelle Branch
"HOW YOU REMIND ME" - Nickelback
"CRY" - Mandy Moore
"not a girl not yet a women" - Brittiany Spears (i hate her
but the song fits)

those are a few songs that just touch my heart. oh, and one
more thing if you would like ot get ot know the type of
person i am yo ucan compare me with the character Mandy
Moore plays in "a walk ot remember". the person she plays i
have been told by many ppl could be almost a copy of me and
my life in a way.now i don't dress like her in fact im
acutally a punk/freak person, but i don't like titles! but
her personaliy is so much like me. ppl tell me that after
seeing the commercials for the movie i click into there
heads. and you know how in the movie well from what i've
seen on tv the part where he is tell her how much she's
changed him and made him better, or whatever....well thats
me and my boyfriend...i have never had something to compare
my life to that fit so well, it's like someone has been
watching my life and turned it into a movie. cause that my
life for the most part. weird huh?

i got to go im starting to think about jeremy and i have to
radio on so of course you can guess i've been crying. i
better g oand get control over myself cause i have to be
strong for both me and for jeremy. i can do it, only 2 and
2/4 days of time left. god it goes by so slowly!!!