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2002-01-24 05:20:58 (UTC)

The Straight Up Truth

I guess that I should probably be real with you & myself.
There's something that I never let anyone know about myself
& tonight I finally went to my Pastors wife about it. She's
kinda like my counselor now. I by no means claim to be a
christian, so don't think that I go to a lose church
because of the way I act & the things I say in here. I just
go hopeing that I can change.

Anyway, the truth is: (1) I am angry all the time & I
cannot figure out why this happens to me. (2) As a result,
I have tried suicide in the past & I cut myself. I am not
one of those people who cut deep, but I barely break my
skin sometimes just because I deserve it. I don't really
know why I do it. It just calms me down. (3) I also messed
with witch craft before & I am constantly pulled towards
it. Half on me is pulling away & the other half is reaching
for it. That's not what I want for my life. I just want to
have normal behavior & I can't seem to get there. That is
why I went to Tina tonight...because I can't fight all this
on my own anymore.

The only thing I really hate is when people try to tell me
that when I move back to West Virginia I'll be out of the
will of God & I won't be saved. HELLO PEOPLE! I am not
saved now & I can't get them to understand that. West
Virginia is where I want to be. It's where I am from, my
family, friends & my boyfriend are there. Now, tell me why
I would want to stay in a place that I barely even like as
opposed to what I am used to?

I do really like this church & the pastor & his wife have
asked me to join the choir. I'd love to, but you see how I
act, talk & feel. Does that spell out choir member to you?
I'll never be a good enough person to be in church. No one
would respect me if I was anyway.

I know that when I move back to West Virginia a lot of my
problems will stop. I'll be around what is familiar to me &
the people I love. Just spending the week-end up there make
me feel like a new person all together.

I understand that there are NO churches like this one back
home, but I can visit anytime I want to. It's only a 3 hour
drive. That won't kill me once a week.

Tomorrow morning I am going with some of the church to put
furniture in an apartment for a family that moved here from
South Africa. They have nothing, but the clothes on thier
back because it was going to cost them $56,000.00 to bring
their belongings across the country line. They do have a
beautiful apartment though & the church is going to totally
furnish it & surprise them. We are garunteed about 4 hours
in the apartment without them being home. I can't wait to
see their reaction.

I want to go to heaven with everything in me, but I can't
seem to make it there. I have too many "issues" as Korn
would put it. Maybe I lack motivation or maybe I was just
predestined to be confused & lost. I'm sure there has to be
a simplier way out there somewhere. I just got to find it.