Christy

Her

I don't know what to do anymore. I dropped out of school, I
spend every day with Justene (there has only been one day
we have gone without seeing eachother and that was hell), I
feel like shit, I hate living day to day, I have a shitty
job cleaning the racket club, and I just don't see a point
to anything anymore. I miss my life, the one I used to have
where I thought I had it bad and it was really nothing. I
miss having to worry about what I looked like, if I had my
homework done, if I had to babysit that night. Now I have
to worry about no one finding out about me and Justene,
paying rent/bills, being on time for work and all of my
other commitments that allow me to have money to survive. I
wish I had it all back. I want to be that good girl again.
The one who got the A's and B's in school, I want that girl
who lectured her mom on smoking, who planned on marrying
every guy she went out with. I want to be me again. When I
am with Justene I can be me, I mean I can really be me. The
girl without the mask. She is the only person I have let
ever see my "little girl". That scares me. Not because I
think she is going to hurt me, I know she never would on
purpose, but because I don't like the real me, I dont like
the little girl. Actually it isn't me that doesn't like
her....it is the rest of the world and I hate having to
hide it every time I am in public. I mean I would love to
be able to walk down the street and kiss Jess on the lips
without having to worry about ruining our lives. I want so
much....but I want it all with her. I can't do that to her.
I WISH I HAD NEVER FUCKING MET HER!!!!!!!!!
AAAGGGHHHHHHHH!! If I had never met her, I would never have
had these feelings, I would never be this confused...I
would have never felt love. Then it would all be easy.
Because love is the only thing that can hurt you and if I
had never experienced it...then I wouldn't have been hurt
by her. But at the same time I know that without her
love...without her touch...without her...I would never have
survived myself. I don't know. A part of me wishes I had
never seen her...another part tells me that she is my
everything. I just don't know anymore....I never have