emo kween

i hug pillows
2002-01-23 22:07:18 (UTC)

by the way. im stupid.

i always do this. ALWAYS. becuase im so stupid. i am
forever pushing guys away one way or another. im too afraid
of getting hurt and id rather be the strong one and act
like i dont care, rather than show i care and end up
hurt....err. i wish i could stop but i cant. its like, i
know exactly what im doing at the time but something doesnt
tell me to stop..and afterwards i get so pissed off at
myself. like last nite. i was talkin to adam on the phone,
yet i couldnt shut up about jon. DUMB!!!

and i feel so lame when i cry. i want to cry constantly,
even when nothing is wrong.

i need help. badly.

and i do wanna go to the show tomorrow nite. but something
tells me i wont. i just cant. i cant allow myself to get
caught up with another guy...especially if i know it might
work out. that scares me even more. im more afraid to try
to be with someone i know will last...it just hurts more in
the end.

????

i dont want to give him mixed signals. and i dont want to
lead him on if nothing is gonna happen. but i want
something to happen. im lost.

and, i like jon. really like him. wait a minute...when have i stopped
liking him?? but i hate the way he is or acts..becuase hes known that
i liked him, especially ALL last year...sheesh...and i dont want to
get invovled with him as anything else other than a friend because he
really broke my heart last year....and if i was to get involved with
him, it would take awhile to get things right because he lives so far
and stuff...hmm...

and i ran into scotty and ryan today when i was with nicole
and belo when we went to eat at taco bell [EWWWWW]..it was
amusing. well, before they got there, we were sliding all
over the floor becuase it was super slick haha. of course i
almost fell and busted my ass...haha. and when i saw scott
i was like...AHHH!!

but i freakin miss him. i often wonder what would have
happened if i didnt pick adam and had gone with him. ?

atleast i would have been with someone who wasnt such a
bitch and actually said what he wanted and did what he
wanted. and was funny. hahaha.

but his temper...haaaa.

anyhoo.


i need to stop being dumb. and being scared. but...how??

someone please help me. :(

bye.....
sad stefi


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