Bitch & Moan
2001-04-19 11:48:25 (UTC)

The Morning After

I talked to SAB last night for a couple of hours. It was
sometimes difficult, sometimes pleasent. I really just
wanted to scream into the phone that I am so madly in love
with him that I cannot put up this front of "just friends."
The more I thought about his need to be friends, and the
more we talked, the more I realized that we had ALWAYS been
friends! We talk to one another about so many things and
we are totally on the same page...I don't believe
friendship is our problem. I believe that our jealously of
one another is the biggest problem. Shit, I don't know
what the hell to do about this. The only man that I have
ever truly loved, calls me up ~ wait, I called him ~ but
when I did, he tells me that he loves me, compares everyone
to me, wants to be with me...I explode inside ~ my heart
swells and I start to imagine our perfect life
together...only for him to call a few days later to
apologize and tell me that he "can't do it." And can we
just work on being friends? GOOD GOD. SAB is my friend.
But more importantly he is the ONLY man that I have EVER
loved. I am so upset this morning. I couldn't sleep last
night because I stayed up thinking about him and what is it
that I need to do? Then this morning I am up and
crying...everyone in my house thinks it is because I am
sick ( I have a bad cold )...I am sick alright... I am at a
loss. I don't know why we had to get into that
conversation....he brings me so much hope and I continue to
fall for it because I love him so fucking much. I don't
know what I can do to prove that to him??? And now I am in
that place that I was just a few months ago...dreaming and
hoping and willing to do just about anything to be with
him. The baby comes up to me and says "I love my Daddy." I
of course start to cry and say "Me too baby, me too." Why
did I have to fall in love with a man that is so full of
pride??? I mean, that is one reason that I love him ~ that
he does have that pride ~ but please, can't he just drop it
for once and let me in. I swear to my GOD in heaven above,
that if SAB and I do get to be back together (please,
please, please GOD), I will never leave him again. I will
never walk away from my true love. This has been the
longest, sadest, hardest year of my life. I cannot believe
this shit...if only we had done something else. I was so
fucking blind. I was so stupid. I made the mistake of my
life...and believe me you, I have done some stupid things
in my life and don't regret a single one of them...but this
thing ~ I cannot make it all better. I wish that I could.
I would give anything to take it all back...to put my
family together again. How long will I feel this badly??
How many more years must I live like this?? Will I ever be
able to love anyone else??? I am soooooo sorry SAB. I am
soooooo sorry LORD. I am sooooo sorry Children. I am
soooo sorry ME. I am the sorriest person on the earth
right now. I wish that I could find someone who is going
through this too. I wish that I could find someone to talk
to ~ someone to cry to. Someone to help me. I must get
over this...and yet a year later I am still so fucking
helpless and vunerable to HIM. I wonder if SAB knows what
he does to me?? Does it please him to have me on a
leash...to give me all my dreams back...and then yank them
all away again??? Could he be that cruel??? Could he
really get pleasure from that??