Mr. Mister

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2001-04-19 06:21:16 (UTC)

Terror

Well - M got my mail I guess. I had to look at her all day
at work and have her treat me as I asked her to. She
ignored me as if I didn't exist. It is extremely painful.
It hurts FAR worse than to have her smile at me and then go
home to someone else. Somehow I've been convinced that
this clean sever is the way it should be done and I think I
know in my head that this is for the best but in my heart
it hurts like a sonofabitch. One of the only really 'good'
things about living here and I've slammed the door on it.
How smart is that? I only hope it doesn't hurt for her
1/32 as much as it does for me.

Spent some time with Ilona again tonight. She's fun. She,
OF COURSE, has a boyfriend, too, but I think that fact
allows us to relax with each other.

I feel extremely lonely not being able to show affection to
M anymore and not getting any, if only eye-contact and her
amazing smile. It really hurts. I KNEW that this was
going to happen. I knew it, and yet I still walked right
in.

What will happen next? How long must I miss her? Why do I
put myself in this situation and why is it so difficult to
get out? I'm pretty stupid for being such a smart boy.


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