fucked up
2002-01-23 17:19:05 (UTC)

shit shit and shit

God damn. Been too long since i've writen in here.
This weekend was majorly fucked up. Something absolutely
wonderfull happend and then something almost as equally
bad. Well i take that back. it was albout half as bad.

Matt: Matt is brads cousin. He is the one that i said
was suicidal and i thought that i liked him. THen i
realized that i didn't really like him, i just yearned to
be there for him. Well we ended up going over to his
house on friday. It was brad, matt, hilary, and eliot
and i. We watched movies and then hilary and eliot went
home. (talk about them later) We watched another movie in
wich matt and i both fell asleep. Big Labowsky was the
name of it, or something like that. I don't remember what
time that that was at. Brad fell asleep on his chair or
couch. i don't remember wich. So matt and i went into
his room and talked..and talked...and talked and talked
and talked. We talked untill about 730 the next morning.
Then we went to sleep. We went to sleep in his bed.
Nothing out of the norm. I do that all the time. I feel
bad if someone would sleep on the floor. I think that it
was garrett and i that got into that arguement. I spent
the night on the floor. He said i could get the bed and
he would sleep on the floor. I said no if he didn't feel
comfertable sharing the bed that i would sleep on the
floor. He said not to worry about it that he would take
the floor. yea so were both hard headed. Anywaze.. we
both ended up sleeping on the floor. Back to sleeping
with matt. I stayd on my side and he stayed on his side.
ALL NIGHT!!! thats amazing for me. everyone usually yells
at me because i try to take the whole bed or i kick
them...or grab there ass. hehe. Anywaze in the morning i
asked if i had kicked matt. He said he didn't remember
but if so then he probably just kicked me back. lol then
he said something about going into a jackie chan kicking
spree during our sleep. Stick figure style. LOL we had
watched like a comp. animated short movie about this one
stick figure. holy shit he was kicking every other stick
figures ass. It was fucking hallarious. There were bodys
(sticks i guess) everywhere. Anywaze then i tickled him.
he is fucking halarious when he gets tickled. He squirms
like a 2 year old. We ended up with his back against my
chest. but that didn't stop me. I tickled him again but
this time he grabed my hand and held it in front of him.
i tried to get it away but he is really strong. Then i
gave up and just layed there oddly holding him for a
couple minutes. Then i asked how it happened and he said
no idea. I said "maybe you should let me go" he asked if
that was what i wanted. I admitted that it wasn't. i
don't remember if we talked more then or if that was when
hillary and eliot came over. We did end up talking and i
admitted that i was confused and had no idea what was
going on. I tried to ask him if he wanted to go out. but
i didn't want to have to ask strieght up. so he never
really gave me the strieght up answer. ass. :) Then i
asked what he wanted to be. Boyfriend, friend, fience,
something to that extent. he said he didn't really like
labels. I loved that. I said that maybe we shouldn't
wory about the future and let things just go as they do.
He said that that was a smart idea. but i didn't let it
go. I asked again what he wanted to be. Actually i think
that that was when he said that he didn't like labels.
yea it was. i never asked what he wanted to be. i asked
what he wanted to do and then said fuck it. maybe we
shouldn't worry about the future. and just let things
be. Later when i asked what he wanted to be he said he
didn't like labels. So i said no labels? he got
confused. I asked why he was taking so long to answer and
he said that he wasn't sure of what i was asking and the
answer that i wanted. I told him not to be conserned over
the answer that i wanted and just to tell me what he
wanted. I said again. So you don't want any labels? he
said that he didn't like them but if i wanted to label it
that was fine. I said no labels. I never thought of it
but i think that no labels are wonderfull. I really do
like him. but it was wierd becuase he had just been in a
relationship and so had i. he had been single longer than
i had though. I was scared because i didn't know why i
was doing what i was doing. and i didn't know what he why
he was doing what he wa doing. holy shit though. We are
exactly alike. In almost EVERYTHING! its kinda scary.
but really nice. I can relate to him. i feel comfertable
talking to him. its wonderfull. it fucking awesome.

Last night eric came over to my house. he needed to talk
so i went outside to talk with him. Matt was inside. It
was quite wierd. Eric said..well. He wanted to be
together. i told him it wasn't possible unless if it was
just as friends. He said it was possible. I told him
that i didn't want him to be if he couldn't handle it or
if wasn't comfertable with it. He asked if me breaking up
with him had to do with the fact that he didn't have any
mony to go out and do anything with me. I said that it
didn't have anything to do with mony. He said that he
knew that but he wanted to know if i felt that we didn't
do anything because he didn't have the mony to go do
anything with me. I told him that even when we were at
his house he didn't do anything with me. He was on the
computer 24/7. He said that he didn't honestly think that
he was. Mars agrees though from what she saw. It was
really wierd though to look at eric and realize that i
have no intrest in being with him anymore. I felt
nothing. I will always love him to a certain degree. Its
just that the degree is only as a friend.

Same with garrett and mars and brad and sandee and rose.
I just want to be friends. I think that i hurt brad by
being with his cousin. Brad thinks that we are just
alike. I honestly don't see how we are. I really like
talking to him though. It only happend once. I fell like
shit because he said something about wanted to be more
then just a ride. I really hope that that isn't what he
thinks he is to me. just a ride. He said something about
not eccepting his help. I told him that i don't accept
anyones help and i think he understood that. Its true
though. I don't like anyone even trying to help. Usually
if someone does try and help i don't use there idea i just
figure out a way to do it to where it has the same
affect. its really wierd.

next morning

I just got back from matts house. Last night Hilary and
matt and i all went over to his house. Hilary is going
out with eliot, who is matt's best friend. And hilary was
one of my best friends during my hospital stay at shoal
creek. Small world huh? Any waze. Halary is really
sweet. i love her to death. Oh god i know it shouldn't
be but it was so much fun with her and jessica in there.
We would do all kinds of crazy shit. One day jessica and
i fliped over all of the chairs and sat on them like
nothing was wrong. Oh man and one day during "therapy" no
one would talk. When this happens they poke at you untill
you do talk. No one was talking. Hilary just started
talking...but shit that the theripist didn't want to
hear. She kept telling hilary that if she didn't quit she
was going to be kicked out of therapy. BAD IDEA. The
whole group got pissed that they were going to take hilary
out and wasn't afraid to show it. Then they just said
that therapy was over and it was time to go to our rooms.
The next day when everyone went into therapy, hilary
wasn't there. We asked were she was and they said not to
worry about it. we all poked at that bitch and she said
that she wasn't allowed to come because she riled everyone
up. We all got so pissed. One by one we just walked
out. Although therapy wasn't mandatory, you had to go.
Know what i mean?? It was just great to sit there and
talk to her again.

Last night i became extremely frustrated. WITH EVERYTHING
It was really bad. It was however the first time i had
gotten that way with matt. I felt bad because i was
bitch. I apologized alot but when im like that i can't
stop it. At least i havn't figured out a way yet. he was
great though. My stomach had been hurting and he
said "awww. what can we do to fix that?" he sais it
alot. Its verry good. He is showing that he cares about
the problem as stupid as it is and that he would like to
help fix it. Its great. Rose says that alot too. MAtt
said he met her and i am sure that she has met him but she
didn't talk to him. Maybe they didn't read through each
other like they usually can. They both can tell alot
about people. Like i can. Actually i think that matt
might be slightly on a higher level. I know rose is. I
don't want to talk to matt about any extra senses or
powers or anything like that. 1 reason is that since he
is just like me in almost every other aspect he might be
in that one too. the other reason is because i myself
don't know exactly what it is yet. Well i think i am
going to go. I need to eat, take my meds, clean my room,
take a shower, read my govt book, and whatever els. In
that order. :) Later