It's good to be bad, if it's bet
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It's been such a long time...so much has happened in the past 6 weeks...
It's been quite a while since I've written. I got grounded
from the computer for a month on December 16, after I came
home 45 minutes past curfew. So much has happened...
I met someone named Jon Leslie. I thought he was
absolutely wonderful untill I heard some stuff about his,
*ahem*, genitals, and that kinda grossed me out to the
point where I couldn't even look at him anymore. I never
thought I was so shallow, but I've now learned that I am as
deep as a birdbath.
So now I've YET AGAIN changed my mind about who I like, and
this time I've turned for Shane. He liked Sam, but I
didn't approve of him(like it matters what I think). Then
I started to talk to him, and I got a crush on him.
So it turns out that he likes Sam. She's still mad at my
for that whole Jon-Micheal shit, so she's decided to get
back at me ONCE AGAIN for it. She wrote this in one of her
"Shane likes me a lot and he keeps telling
me in front of Shan, I think it's mean but also hilarious
at the same time. Payback is such a fuckin bitch..... Even
though it's been.. how long since that happened? But I had
Shane first, and at first she didn't even approve of him.
But he started paying attention to her so she automaticly
started to like him. But he's liked me since he met me,
which was around the time I was getting those repeating
migraines over and over, which was about 2 months ago? So
he's mine kind of in the first place, so Shandielle can't
get pissed off if he likes me. But I have Austin, I'm just
happy that I get to rub it in Shan's face about Shane and
I can't beleive that my own best friend would say something
so incredibly cruel. I mean, how could she? Does she have
no feelings for me whatsoever? I read that the first time
and broke down into tears. I read it over and over, and I
tell myself: "This is what a bad friend you are. You're so
terrible that your friend thinks she needs to get back at
you like this." God, somebody please tell me I'm wrong
about that, although I have a bad feeling that it's true.
The day after I read that, I could barely be around Sam
without nearly crying. She asked me what was wrong, and I
just told her I was having a bad day. She said I seemed
upset. I wasn't so much upset as I was hurt and depressed.
So ZOOM! We're up to today now. I found out that over the
weekend Shane slept with 2 girls at our school. I laughed
it off, but inside I was really hurt. I know he doesn't
like me, but I kept on picturing him and those girls doing
stuff together, and it tore me apart every time.
Jon came back to school today. So when I go to talk to Sam
about Shane, she immeaditly cuts me off with an, "I know I
heard," and starts talking about seeing Jon and freaking
out. As soon as she mentioned Jon, I shut down. I just
heard bits and peices of her conversation: hypervenalating,
scared, ohmigod, and Sam sticking her hand in my face for
some reason. Maybe I should have listened to her, but
personally I think that my crush sleeping around is just a
TAD BIT more important than Sam seeing Jon. Maybe I'm
wrong here, but I'm feeling just a tad bit deprived of the
bitching rights that I'm entitled to.
I've talked to some people who are close to me about this
whole situation, and they agree that my problems for the
day were more important than Sam's, and that what she wrote
about me was, "cold," "low," "mean," ect... Every single
person has told me that I should either try to talk to Sam,
or get a new friend. When I explain that she's all I got,
and that despite the fact that she doesn't give a damn
about me, I give a damn about her continusly, they say that
I'm worried about the glass being half empty, or that
I'm "moraly obligated" to stick with her. I've asked some
REALLY close people to kind of drop hints that I read what
she wrote about me, but they say this is something I need
to do for myself. I could never talk to her in person, sit
down with her and explain that I'm being hurt by all of
this, and that she needs to think about her actions
sometimes. (I'm sure that I don't think about stuff like
that, but being happy about rubbing something like that in
my face is a bit over the extreme).
I try to set up times to talk to her, but she's always with
Austin. I've told her that I miss my friend, but all she
said was "I'm sorry." We were on the internet, so I can't
be sure whether her supposed appology was sincere or not.
I'm probably just writing this in hopes that Sam will read
this and realize how much she's hurt me over the past week
and a half, but it's not likely. So Sam, if you're reading
this, I hope you've read the things that I could never say
to your face, for I am a weak person, and for that I
appologize. But I can't go on like this. I've now gotten
to the point where sitting at home and wallowing in my own
self pity(which, by the way, I am very good at) is better
and more time consuming than spending time with you. I've
finally stopped caring that I've once again lost my friend
to a guy. So if you HAVE read this, PLEASE try to talk to
me, because I'm breaking down.
Tomorrow I'm going to the counseler to see how old you have
to be to move out without your parents permission. I'm
sick of my family, and my life at home. I'm putting money
into my savings account again, and I'm gonna get a job and
save enough to buy a car and an apartment. By this time
next year, I WILL be out on my own. I'm tired of being
held back by my parents, I can't even get a damned belly
button ring. I understand that if I go out on my own, it's
gonna be hard. I'll have to fight if I plan on living off
of minimum wage AND graduating. I'll have to work extra
hard, but I think I can pull it off if I try hard enough,
and get enough support from the people around me.
I also need to talk to the counseler because I think I've
got depression. I never wanna do anything fun anymore, I
just wanna sit at home, read, and cry(which is time and
energy consuming in its own). Today I passed up a night on
the town for undeclared repeats and Dateline.
I have to see if there's some way I can be tested for
depression w/o my parents finding out. There's no way in
hell that I'll talk to my parents about it, I can see how
that would go...
"Hi mom and dad."
"Hi shan, how's school?"
"It's crappy as usual. Oh, by the way, I think I have
Ok, it's late, I'm tired, bye.