Ad 0:
2002-01-23 05:16:24 (UTC)

horrible pain

the formula is still constant: add a trivial earthly
trouble (ap euro exam tomarrow) plus mercury related
or "special" music (where is my mind and clint mansell)
equals insanity fits. i hate this. its painful. but i
confirmed some stuff today. first of all, whenever i feel
like self mutilating myself, and i hold a blade to my
wrist, all of a sudden all the craving to cut myself is
gone. its like my mind is a huge poser. also, faith
recovers me quite quickly when insane. it may not be the
most satisfying way as of yet to heal me, but i believe it
is the best overall cure so far. anyway... finals are
coming. and as usual i am procrastinating like a dumbass.
but its all multiple choice, so God can help me quite
easily, by letting me guess right. i need to get 150 out
of 200 to get c in that class. if not, ill get a d. very
stressful. but im transfering out of it, finally. going
into regular history, which will be a breeze. but now i
have about 12 more hours of pain. i hate myself and i want
to die. ill probably die the same way kurt cobain died,
too. maybe even mercury will cause it. fuck. i need to
quit. everything. thats hard, considering i don't know
how to quit something i don't know. ive been debating
whether to go to a shrink or not. the option is somewhat
open, but i dont want to let too much spill out. besides,
they'll probably put me on pills. thats' a huge controversy
in my head. i am at a standstill. which is always
painful. capsules will let the pain go away, but my
potential will flutter away too; plus, its cheap, im just
taking some physical thing i didn't make to make mental
pain go away. i should do this on my own. then again, if
i don't take the capsules, this pain may cause suicide,
then perhaps damnation, which is on the top of my list of
what not to do. this is very hard on me. i needs to find
mercury fast, or im fucked. im relying too much on fate.
i need to take some initiative. but due to my condition,
ill probably kill myself if i do. ... i dunno, ill just
wait it out, i guess. hopefully i can die safely. i don't
care if i live an empty and meaningless life, just so long
as i don't kill myself. an insignificant life is actually
one of my goals/options. anyway... im getting more insane
and antisocial by the day. its very noticeable. i know,
one of these days, ill go to school barefoot. thats
probably just the start. i probably should go to a shrink.
as usual,
[email protected]