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2002-01-23 04:43:48 (UTC)

best friends till the end forever and ever alc &acr

"but maybe someday i can get to the
point i'm at with ashley. where i still love her so much
but im not so weak around her. bridges burn and tables
turn. but not these, it seems."

i wish that i could talk to her.
that i could just know who she was now.
know what she likes to do.
how she takes her coffee.
if she takes it at all.
hug her.
just see her smile.
i still remember how she looks.
i still remember so much
and i never remember things.
i remember being little and trying to ride a three person
bike with her and some guy that was on house arrest
i remember the lime green carpet
and her infection.
i remember her ex boyfriends names.
the first time she had sex.
her mom and crack
and all the fights i was apart of vicariously.
i remember spending all day everyday together
ice skating.
i remember her joing tkd just because i was into it.
i remember her getting mad that i was a better skater than
just because my parents had the money to blow on three
times a week lessons and her mother didnt.
i remember how she never wore a bra and how i pissed my mom
i remember my mom calling her a slut.
just because of her upbringing.
i remember going to the office with her mom
and i remember her puppy.
i remember kristin, her sister.
and how annoying and how much i hated her.
i remember how she was friends with meredith and how i
pissed me off so much
i remember how she waited until valentines day to tell me
that i was her very bestfriend.
i remember how she moved all the time.
i remember everything she went through with gene.
i remember wanting to fucking kill him
and i remember being too young to do anything about it.
i remember her mom not fucking believing her.
and i remember how she came crying to me.
so many times.
and how i never thought about how much i gave to her.
because, all i ever wanted was her friendship.
i remember when she started shaving.
i still have the last christmas present she ever gave me.
and the letters we wrote back and forth
i remember being 11 and getting stuck at the miami airport
her freckles.
and her face soap.
taking showers together.
walking allll the way to the store just to buy 10 packs of
different flavored gum
and pickle bickle
and our little bags and having to turn them around because
miami is not orlando ashley
that stupid shirt her mother made me buy even though it was
in spanish and i didnt understand any of it.
skinny dipping.
her gay cousin.
i wonder what happened to her..
i saw her a couple of years ago.
all she had to say.
was that i looked different.
heh and yeah so did she.
i passed the house i spent every fucking day in
every day i drove to school
for the last two years.
and the one that i first spent the night with her at
where we watched scary movies.
and i promised her something that i never broke.
tile floors
late night phone calls.

then it all just
from 3rd grade
and then it was just
and there was nothing that i could do.

there never really is is there?
i hate feeling like that.

i wish i could just see her
talk to her

i guess its good for her to have forgotten me
or just put me away
because i represent so much bad shit to her i guess
or remind her of it anyway

i just wish things could have been different for her and i
and i wish i knew she still thought of me sometimes

but i doubt ill ever really know.
or having any sort of closure
or anything.

i just hope she ends up having a great life
although it sucks that i cant be apart of it anymore.

i wish i could just tell her that i miss her.
get coffee with her.
see her. something.
just hear her voice and have her tell me that shes happy
and that everything in her life has been nothing but pure
bliss since she left here

but i guess ill just have to tell myself that...hope for
that...because shes not here. and she wont be. to do it for