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2002-01-23 03:37:22 (UTC)

sometimes im terrified of my heart...

sometimes im terrified of my heart, of its constant hunger
for whatever it is that it wants. sometimes im terrified
of my heart, the way it stops... and starts..

"i've been in her house. i've experienced her... her.. her
MADNESS. and i rejected the entire experience."

work went pretty fast. it was okay. kathy left early so
coleisha and i took a few breaks.. she gave me this really
cute ring! =) i was happy. no sales though. im guna call
this other place tomorrow. i definetely want a new job,im
real over this one.

caroline wasnt in such a good mood... i thought she was mad
that matt came over today or whatever, but she wouldnt talk
about it so what does she want from me? i dont know
sometimes, like today... maybe it was cus i was already
kinda sad and confused, but what brent said keeps echoing
in my head, about her not being very INTERESTED in me.. she
never asks "how was school" "how was your day" "are you
okay today since youve been really upset lately" nothing...
i dont know... i guess shes not that type.. but it seems
like this should be past the point we're at by now... i
dont know what im doing sometimes...

anyway... today was painful, matt's and my conversation.
how did this distance get between us? we were so in love.
or were we? am i making that up in my mind? no i have
letters to prove it. letters and pictures to validate my
memories. but being completely in love with him with every
bit of myself wasnt enough... i wish i knew what he was
thinking, i wish i knew what he was feeling, all the
time.. i still love him so much, i cant change that. i
think i never will, but maybe someday i can get to the
point i'm at with ashley. where i still love her so much
but im not so weak around her. bridges burn and tables
turn. but not these, it seems.

will i ever make it through a single day without crying?

will a day ever go by where i dont think of dying?

will i ever feel something as deep and mutual as he was?

will anyone ever actually WANT to love me and deal with me?
will anyone ever stay?

will i ever be able to read a newspaper without wanting to
vomit and cry and scream all at the same time?

will i ever make my mother proud of me?

will i ever be glad to be alive?

will i ever be happy for more than a few minutes at a time?