a freak with a heart
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2002-01-23 02:41:30 (UTC)


Dear Diary,

Oh god how i hate finals....i have been doing nothing
but studying for finals since friday, and i am still
studying for more finals that i have tomorrow. i hate it so
much i have not done anything at all since thur. i haven't
even talked to my boyfriend. i feel so bad casue of it to
cause he's been really depressed but since he know how much
i've been going through the last few days he didn't tell me
that he was seriously depressed for weeks now. he just told
me last night, and i had so much going on in my life that i
couldn't even tell how bad off he was. i try so hard to
keep maybe at least a half hour for just me and him,
usually i send all night talking to him from like 9 till
12. i can't remember the last time i did that, i just want
to be in him arms so bad. i just want him to take me away
from this world, to hold me in his arms and tell me that
everything is ok. and i can't even have that!
You know how everyone says that everything comes with a
price!...but what if you were given the best thing in the
world, what would you pay for it? and how long would you
i was given the gift of finding my true love...but the
price couldn't have been worse. my true love lives over 600
miles away from me, thats 12 hours. i get to see him only
on holidays and during the summer. do you know what it
feels like to love someone with all your heart and soul and
not be able to just give them a hug every day, or just be
able the look into there eyes. it hurts! it hurts more then
anything else. it's almost the greatest thing that you
could have to pay. it's like holding a cookie out in front
of a starving child and telling them they can have it but
they can't eat it. they have to wait until you say that
they can eat it. how long do you think that childs gonna
wait for you to say that they can. if they want it long
enough they will wait forever. same as with me i love him
enoguh to put up with the distance for as long as i have
to. and my love only grows stronger every day.
god now im depressed again, i miss him sooo much.....i
just want to be able to hear his heart beat, to be able to
see his chest expane every time he takes a breath, to feel
his touch against my skin. ppl say i am so lucky that i
have found true love....but they have know idea of the
price i pay every day, they couldn't even begin to imagine.
i have to deal with depression, stress, school, the whole
distance thing, imsonia, and the list goes on and on.
some times i wish that i had the power to just freeze the
world for one day....make everything and everyone stop.
jsut to give myself one day without any worries, just one
day to be....completey...alone....


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