Bitch & Moan
2001-04-18 23:52:40 (UTC)

DEAR GOD ~ Oct. 2000

This was written sometime in OCT. 2000

I miss SAB. I am so lonely I could just slide under a
rock. It appears that he is not lonely at all. He hasnt'
called me tonight. I want to call him so badly...but what
will I say? I guess I could just call to tell him that I
love him? 1 ring, 2 rings, 3 rings, MOM answered... SAB is
not home. Of course. He is doing something at work.
O.k. LORD, please guide me. I don't know what I am doing
anymore. I lost my husband, friend and lover...I have lost
a family ~ SAB's. I just feel like a peice of shit! I am
so tired of feeling bad. I swear I don't know how to make
anything right with anyone! I have been the ruin of too
many lives. What am I here for???? To raise two kids? Oh
Great! Maybe they can be fucked up too? I jsut wish so
much that I had never met SH...I cannot blame her...I just
wish that I had never gotten involved with her. I could
sit around for days and feel bad for all that I have
done...on the other hand SAB was a bastard.
He puts all of the blame on me...but would I have left if it weren't
for him driving me away??? He repeatedly says it wasn't that
bad...I beg to differ. I must keep in mind the things that
drove me away. His ignoring me. His lack of affection.
His ANGER. His rude and negative comments. He tells me he
has changed....but he is still the same way! He proved that
being here. I just wish that I could get over him. I wish
I didnt' think about him day and night or want him back.
He ignores me ~~~ I deserve better
He isn't affectionate ~~~ I deserve better
He is ANGRY, rude, MEAN ~~~ I deserve better!
Why do I want him back??? He is so bad for me, yet I love
him more than I have ever loved another person. Maybe I
don't think I deserve better?? I need to stop putting SAB before ME
and start think about what is right for me. What kind of person
would be best for me??? The "perfect" man????
1. A great sense of humor.
2. Tells me that I am beautiful and smart and funny.
3. A smart person.
4. Someone to hold my hand.
5. Someone to kiss the back of my neck.
6. He brings out the trash without asking.
7. Cooks without saying "What do you want to eat" everytime.
8. Wants to give me a break and takes the kids for "alone"
9. Classy and well-dressed.
10. Is sweet to his Mom, but not a Mamma's boy.
11. Has outside friends and goes places with them without
getting drunk and hitting on women.
12. Appreciates that I want time alone or time with friends.
13. Doesn't use the internet for chats and smut. Goes on
for information.
14. Wants a house with a picket fence.
15. Drinks and has fun, but not every night.
16. Sends me flowers to work ~ all the girls are jealous.
17. Buys me a card "just cuz"
18. Dedicates love songs to me.
19. Likes kids, wants to be a good husband and father.
20. Can bring him anywhere and he fits in.
Shit, some day my prince will come...and then I woke up.
Keep dreaming. I loved talking to SAB when he was in a
good mood....GOD, his brain! What a turn on inteligence
is!!!!!! SAB ~ classy, smary, great dresser....OH,
bullocks! Why am I even writing this shit??? SAB is GONE,
GONE, GONE. I know we will never be back together because
I know he will never give me what I need. I will press and
press and maybe he will come bck...but it won't be for
me...it will have to serve some purpose for him, not us.
Well, all is not lost. I will find my way. I will have to
go through some tough times, but then I am sure things will
work out for me MY GOD IS A GOOD GOD!!
~~~~~later that day ~~~~~~
SAB just returned my call...cold as a fish. I told him I
love him and he says "Yeah, me too.." He tells me about his
day and says "Gotta go, take care, I'll be in touch."
click. Nice. Very, very, nice.