Just somewhere to say things
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2002-01-22 21:01:28 (UTC)

What to do with me.

A damn good question in my life right now, is what to do
with me. Last night a close friend of mine, someone I care
about, told me that her husband stole 1000 bucks out of ehr
account with a check she had written a while back that he
was to use to buy furniture. he ended up using his card or
something, so he still had the check, and decided to write
it to himself. This act of cruelty was prompted by the
fact that she is leaving him. I got so pissed off last
night that I hit my ceiling. My roomate told me I should
calm down, that I have to many violent thoughts, which was
true I suppose as I kept thinking how much I'd like to run
the bastard through with my katana, or perhaps my rapier,
which will be up there waiting on me when I get there. I'm
going to visit her this weekend to try and help her feel
better, and she and I are going to go look for an apt for
her. I hope we can find one so she can get away from him.
I got mad for two reasons. one was because this guy did
this to a good friend of mine, and because it was her check
she had signed, he is likely to get away with it. 2 is
because the only thing I could do at the time to help was
say I'm sorry.......I hate not being able to help. Rachel
tells me, I can't help everyone, and I know it's true, but
damn it if I don't feel like I have to tr sometimes......I
know I shouldn't, it's like I keep giving myself to otehrs
to help them, eventually, if it's not already to late, I'm
going to give every bit of me, and then I won't have any of
me left for, well, me. at the same time though, I've
always felt the need to help people, always. Maybe I'm
just some sort of goodey twoshoes, but hell, it makes me
feel good when someone tells me thanks for helping them.

I've always known that I have a darker side that if I
ever let it out of control, I would hurt someone, and last
night I think Rachel saw that, which is why she brought it
up. I've known since the day I punched a wall so hard
because I was angry that I bloodyed my nuckles. It's one
of my fears, to let that beast out of it's cage, so I've
shackled it up, which in the end, only leads to brief
bursts of anger, which are no better then just leting it
out all together. So, I ask again, what do I do about me.
What do I do to curb the desire to inflict bodly harm on
people who mistreat my friends. I've always seen myself as
the person who will come to your rescue when you need it,
and to some point, thats what I've tried to be, but it's
impossible for me to keep this up, but at the same time I
acn't jsut quit, I'd feel bad if I left my friends without
aid. So where is the balance point, where is the line that
I should stop at? I think I passed it along time ago
unfortunately. Anyways, atm, I'm calm again. Still irate
about the asshole, but I'm calm.

On to other things, Rachel is fairly certain she is
going to be moving in with her boyfriend come may, which
means I'll be going back to cookeville alone. There are
pro's and con's to this. I'll not have to support her and
her 8 year old, which will give me more money for myself
and to save, and I won't be constantly reminded about how
seeing her makes me feel, so maybe my disposition will
improve. on eht other hand, I'll miss her. I enjoy having
her here, she's my best friend, and I hate having her be
far away from me. at least Atlanta isn't that bad, only 4
hours as opposed to 7 as it was before, or clear across the
US as it was before she moved in. But still, I'll miss
seeing her everyday, even if we do get on each others
nerves sometimes. I just hope it doesn't turn out that
we're better distance friends then local friends.