Bitch & Moan
2001-04-18 23:21:00 (UTC)

Entry from 8/16/01

Written August 16, 2000

Talked to SAB this morning...what am I doing? I am
lowering myself and begging him. Pushing him for answers
and not getting them. Yes, he wants to work on it, no he
doesn't. I have barely eaten in days. I feel very sick,
but cannot eat. My throuat is sore, I am not sleeping
well. All because I am obsessing about a man that I walked
out on. Am I feeling better or worse? Worse. At least
before I would just cry because I missed him. Now I cry
because I blew it. I fail to take into account why I
left. It was precisley this...me feeling like I loved him
more. Me wanting him to worship me as I worshipped him.
Will he ever love me as much as I love him?? I am so ready
to have a nervouse breakdown...but I have 2 little girls to
take care of. I wish I had the luxury of being alone and
having a fit. So, I go to the park, send the girsl to play
while I sit in the van and write and cry.I am looking deep
inside of my heart and all that I want is to turn back
time. I need and want my husband back. I miss my life
with him. I miss our family and pray DEAR LORD that we
will be back together soon. My fear is that 1. I will be
more in love with him than he is with me and 2 that if he
takes me back, that he will pay me back. I truly wish that
I could take it all back. PLEASE DEAR GOD, PLEASE GUIDE ME,
If I did not have the girls I would kill myself in a
heatbeat. I feel like a murderer...I have ruined
relationships and friendships galore. And for what??? I
have been miserable since I left.