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2002-01-22 17:58:38 (UTC)

Settling down a little

I've had a very demanding year, 2001 was not something to
ever repeat. I was physically and psychologically abused by
a girl with BPD for seven months, had a lot of false
accusations thrown at me that really hurt me on physical and
emotional levels, got cheated on, got hospitalized 7 times,
had my Great Aunt Hanna Joyce die, my uncle Seymore Calhoon
die, a cousin on my fathers side who was 19 died (I never
really knew him that well but I have just started trying to
get to know that side of the family and it has affected me
in a different way), Ray Doucette's grandfather's body was
finally found after being missing for over two years, Jade's
mother died (in a lot of ways she was very much a mother to
me too), my real mother had brain surgury, and Misty's
fahter Ron died (who was in my opinion a great man and
friend). I am not surprised that I did poorly in school the
first term. I should probably get appoinments with a
psychologist or psychiatrist again, but I only know of Jim
McMillan for on-campus psychologists available free to
students and the last time I went to see him he made me much
worse off than when I went to see him because he does not
know how to do his job - and I can say that comparatively
because I have seen some great psychologists over the last
two years.

I have a lot of work to do to get caught up for this terms
work. So far some reading for PSCI 399 (Statistics), and
chapters 7.1 to 7.7 for PHIL 340 (Logic). I have PHIL 310
(History of Modern Philosophy) in 15 minutes so I will find
out what I have to do for that course. I don't have PSCI
342 until tomorrow. I'm not going to take another course
this term because I don't think I can handle that right now.
Too much on my mind - too much I want to do besides school -
a lot of job searching and school hunting to do - and I
still have to make an appointment with a Career Councilor
which I am a little nervous about because I have never gone
to one before and don't really know what to ask or do when I
get there.

I am happy underneath it all though - for the first time in
a long time I can say that. I really want Misty and I to
work. We have a lot of work to do and some things to learn
about each other and plans to work out after April if we are
going to give this a real shot I guess - but I am prepared
to work it through somehow. It may look like a lot is going
on in what I wrote above here - but at least this term I
don't feel all suicidal underneath it all anymore. Not
hating myself with a passion makes a big difference.
Hearing Misty's voice this morning really made my day seem
possible whereas before she called I looked outside and
almost didn't go to school today. I feel better now and am
glad I did. I miss her a lot but it is only three more