Chuck

So this is Cancer.. and what have I done
2002-01-22 09:26:35 (UTC)

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Things get so hard to explain sometimes. Oh well, I should
keep writing anyways.
I start school today. It's 2:37am - 1.22.02
I should be asleep, but I can't fall asleep. Luckily for
me neither can either of my roommates, so we stayed up
playing dreamcast. Despite what many say about dreamcast
sucking, I like it. Of course they're out of business now
but it really is an awesome system. (for all those
playstation haters out there)
I guess I should really be updating stuff about that
whole 'cancer' thing that is causing me problems.
Well, I started losing my hair, so I shaved my head.
Actually my friend Keeli (roommate - I met at a summer
program for school a year and a half ago, she's awesome)
shaved it for me. I think she enjoyed putting little
shapes into my head with a razor.. I was terrified, I just
imagined a bald head with little pieces of toilet paper
scattered all over, but it turned out just fine. I can't
imagine people who like their head shaved, because damn,
it's kinda chilly without hair, so i wear random beanies
most of the time.
Pain really sucks. My muscles get so stiff and achy from
the chemo, it feels like I ran a marathon (or just really
really far) and everything is cramping up on me from all
the running. I bet i didn't even win any medals or ribbons
for that damn marathon either! ... I bet i looked good in
those running shorts though..
Another major problem is the sleep. Or lack there of, or
more than enough, or lack there of. It really depends... I
have no sleep cycle, it's just mostly 'sleep when i can'...
or 'try and wake up'. I'm either really tired, or really
wide awake. Right now of course i'm wide awake. 2:47am
Austin (my best friend and other roommate) told me to read
a book to help me fall asleep... Yeah... that didn't work.
I ended up reading most of Harry Potter & the chamber of
secrets that night. Don't get me wrong, it's a good book..
I just wanted to sleep.
They said i would possibly get mouth sores.. um.. I think
i'm getting mouth sores from too many damn popsicles they
keep giving me. Remember when you were a kid and you had
too many popsicles, your mouth would start to get raw..
thats what it feels like to me. That mouth sore thing was
a lie i tells ya!! a lie!

As we speak.. er.. as you read.. wait no... when you're
reading this it will be a different time than from when I
typed it.. so..
As I type.. my limbs are aching so bad, it feels like my
bones are scraping each other.. does that make sense?

Disappointment stops by from time to time
to see how i'm doing
and she came by last night
right after you left..
my life in ruin
When I don't get what I want
the spoiled child inside breaks down
kicking, screaming, praying and dreaming
for a love, lost and found
oh well I wish we never,
I wish we never,
wish we never met
cause now I've got my heart set on you

Ya ever have that love that hurts? The one where you start
thinking "yeah, I could do this forever" I had that a
while ago. Then her 'feelings changed' It took me a long
while, but I'm over it now. I bet none of my friends
believe me (since i've said it before) But I really truly
am now! I swear.. I mean.. I'd cry if she died.. but..
She wasn't lying when she said she changed. Sadly it
wasn't for the better, but owing to the fact that I try not
to say bad things about girls, I'll keep my mouth shut.
For a little while I still wondered 'maybe' but a few weeks
ago I knew it was goodbye. So maybe she's reading this
now.. and maybe she's thinking "I bet he's thinking 'maybe
if she reads this she'll know how much I care for her' "
I'm not thinking it. There are times in your life where
you start to realize friendships that can't keep going,
friendships that will last forever, and the ones you will
never forget either way. I haven't decided what this one
will be yet.. but right now she thinks I lied to her about
something, and I know I didn't. So i've decided if she
can't believe me, it doesn't matter. I'm tired of it.
Despite what some think, sometimes I don't like the drama.
I have a girlfriend now. I know I can grow to care for her
without having to worry about that girl in the back of my
mind who I used to fall asleep thinking about. I just hope
she can put up with me!

Tv has been giving me much company lately. Thank God my
friends can put up with me watching Buffy the Vampire
Slayer, CSI, SVU, Dateline & Friends all the time. They're
probably my favorite shows on tv. I have every buffy
episode on tape, so that's fun to watch during the day.. I
think I obsess over the show too much. But oh well, I love
it, and if there is anyone out there who loves the show so
much that they know who Four Star Mary is.. or just to
complain about Xander not having any guy friends, feel free
to comment to me, I'm up for the chat.
UNFORTUNATELY, Saturday we broke the vcr. We were watching
an old episode of friends where a few of them were playing
catch and trying to see how long they could play for..
So.. being the dumbass bored kids that we are.. we decided
to do it. We started with a tennis ball, but my dog got
too excited and wanted to jump and catch it and run away
from us at every possible moment, so we changed to a
football. It was good for a while.. until keeli started
throwing it really hard at me. uhh.. not that im a wimp or
anything!.. it just hurt after a while! So austin laughed
at me and i whipped it at him.. and he kinda fell into the
entertainment system.. and the vcr kinda fell down and..
broke.
So it's TOTALLY keeli's fault! Austin caught the ball
though.

What's my point to this? Oh.. right. Before the ball
throwing fiasco, I was watching old home movies of my
family that my brother sal gave to me so i wouldn't get too
homesick. My dad taped this one time about 10 years ago
where me and my two younger brothers Carmelo and Salvatore
along with two of my sisters, Dominica and Josephine were
dancing along to my older brothers and their friends
playing instruments in the basement. I saw that and I was
laughing my ass off. How could I not realize at 9 yrs old
that it would come back to haunt me? Josephine was head
banging and spinning around, Carmelo was doing a pelvic
manuever that might make people think he was casted for
dirty dancing.. it was cracking me up. He'd be almost 18
now.. He drown 5 years ago in northern wisconsin on the
lake by our cabin. Sal, carmelo and me were playing hockey
on the lake, we went chasing after the puck and he just
sorta skated and fell straight down. I slide to where he
was and tried to pull him up while sal ran to get help. He
told me not to let go. but that's when the ice collapsed
and I fell in too. I don't remember too much after that,
just a blurry mess in the hospital. I hated that.. I still
hate it. I hate feeling like my father blames me for it.
or that he wishes it was me. I haven't had the best
relationship with him, and I wish we could both just.. come
together from what happened, instead of being ripped
apart. He can be an asshole of a father... but he's still
my father and I wouldn't change it.
Maybe HE should be writing an online diary!

Alright.. it's 3:30am.. time to lay in bed wishing I could
sleep. thanks to all those who write in, pat yourself on
the back for me.

Chuck




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