This is me and how my life goes.
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2001-04-18 21:47:50 (UTC)

I hate him!!

Dear Journal,
I'm back, i'm always writing in this journal, it makes me
feel better to write. I love writing. Today i've been kind
of angry. I hate being like this. I'm not angry with
everyone, just two people. Me and David. I hate him!! God
just typing that makes me want to cry. I don't like to be
angry and to hate people. Does hating David make me a bad
person? I'm trying to forgive myself for letting what
happened happen but I can't. Every time I try to tell
myself and say to myself it's not my fault. I just can't do
it. I can't lie to myself. I mean it is my fault right? I
let him rape me, I let him hit me. I didn't put up enough
fight. I didn't hit and scream and bite and go crazy like I
should have until it was already too late. Then not only
that I let him make me get in the shower and wash
everything away. What's wrong with me?? Why can't i be
normal why can't i smile everyday and know that's it's a
real smile and not a smile I'm putting on to make others
happy. I'm going to see the therapist today, I hope she can
help me. I don't like feeling like this. I'm a happy-go-
lucky kind of girl. I like to be happy and smiling. I like
when everything is ok. When I feel like this it makes me
feel out of control of my life and I need to be in control.
I've been talking to a new friend and she seems really
nice. I mean she is willing to listen to me just because.
And she trusts me enough with some of her secrets and
thoughts. It's good to have someone, whether I can see them
or not, just listening and supporting. Sometimes I want to
just go outside and scream. I want to tell my friends
everythign that happened but whenever the time is right, my
voice gets caught in my throat and I can barely speak. I'll
write more later when I get back.


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