little mind farts...
"don't stand in front of the mirocwave!" said the big man
well after 4 months i finally got my period. what a
relief. :0) now i can hope that there is nothing wrong with
me that it is just the whole teenage period irregualrity. i
also now know that my horrible mood swings were due to the
influx of hormones in my system. :0) (that and a shit load
of emotional stress!)
i wonder if people actually read this besides my friends
from school who have started accounts of their own. it
would be interesting to know. i mean even if no one read my
entries that's cool, this still wouldn't be in vain. :0)
i am feeling more and more that's its okay to really
open up on this thing. even if no one else reads this i
still get a rush from the notion that just maybe someone
whom i don't know is reading my insanity!!! :0)
today i was watching the final epsiode of daria "is it
college yet" and i am so sad because i love daria!!! she
and her show kicked ass! the show also got me thinking
about college. i think about this alot but it is really
coming up. i graduate in 2003! just yesterday i was a
freshman now i am a junior preparing for my ACT test. i was
nerve racked about the college thing first, "what if i
don't get into my number one choice etc" but as trite as it
may sound, the show actually gave me alittle hope you know?
i really feel confident about college. i don't really know
what i want to be, but i guess that comes in time.
my last entry i haven't read it and quite frankly i
don't wanna re-read it. i mean i am too scared that it
won't make any sense.
i wrote my first review for the paper at school. i
review movies. i have my own little colum (misspelled
that!). the teacher who over looks the paper wants me to
send in feedback and challenge some of the stupid shit that
people write in it. i won't mind i guess that i am kind of
scared to do it because yes i have had one on one debates
but never a debate that the whole fuckin school can look in
on. i guess that if i believe strongly ebough in what i
have written i don't have to worry about the comments of
those bitter people you know?
i got into another fight with that guy (remember the
entry "bullshit"?). he's can be such a dick man. in the
words of forest gump, "that's all i have to say about that."
i have a lot of male college friends. they are really
cool and although i have my moments where i think i say
things with some merit, other times i wonder if i bore
them. i really think that i bore the hell out of david!!! i
am only so repititive in conversation with him because i am
scared that he will think what i say is stupid and he will
try to judge to me. i want nothing but exceptance from him.
i suspose that this shows a weakness on my behalf. it's so
hard to see what david is thinking. the battle has
begun...the battle of getting over my romantic feelings for
him. i know that it can be done! i suspose that he doesn't
like me like that and even though we shared alot of
physical contact i DON'T regret one minute of it. i let
myself get sucked in emotionally and i must find a way out.
i will keep the friendship because if i really like someone
(and i am not even talking romantically here), then the i
will work my hardest to keep the friend alive and strong!!!
i have been typing alot lately but even though i feel
like i am saying nothing, when i finish i always feel like
a weight has been lifted off of me!
i have been trying to figure out who i am (maybe if i
let david read it he would think that i am a interesting
person again.). i ask myself "who i am?" "what am i suspose
to do?" etc. i get confused and i guess that adds to my
stress. i feel like i will find my answers in books so i am
always reading and researching now. i don't know. it's like
i know i shouldn't catergorize because it is not right, but
everyone around me tries to catergorize themselevs and me
and i lost in the thought, "where exactly do i fit in?" i
mean i suspose that i fit the category of a peace loving
alternative, musician artsy fartsy. why am i even wasting
my time doing this!!!!!!! it's worthless! people create
name tags and categories because it makes it easier to just
throw someone or something into a file name. it makes it
easier to "understand" the person! i am multi-faceted ( i
miss-spelled that so bogus!!! hee-hee)person and i can't be
completely understood by a cateogory because there is so
much more to me! forget this michelle (my name) is