xBrokenHeart502x

Icarus's Landing Pad
2002-01-22 04:02:53 (UTC)

Is Grace Enough?

So I've been struggling with the age old question that I'm
sure every 16 year old asks themselves on a daily
basis. "What's the point?" I mean, I tried so hard to
get the grades my parents wanted, not me, my parents. A's
and B's son. But then they lie out of the other side of
their face, oh just do your best, that's all we want. So
I end up with 2 B's and 2 C's. So now my dad is on my
case because he has to pay a little extra on my car
insurance. The thing is, I didn't even ask him to pay for
it, I fully intended to buy my own car, fill the gas tank
with my own money, and pay for insurance by myself. So he
really has no reason to moan about the $50 extra he's
paying, because he could just say "hey, I'm not paying for
your insurance anymore" and I'd be okay with that.

On the other hand my mom and step dad are extremely
displeased with me because I won't help them build their
house. This stupid house is their dream and not mine. If
I had my way I'd stay here in the house that I'm
comfortable in, that is a 15 minute walk from my best
friends houses. But instead I get moved an hour down the
interstate and I get lectured for not helping them build a
house that I already hate. I refuse to believe that this
place is my home. My home is the house I've lived in for
16 years, Anthrax is on TV, they suck.

Why is it exactly that people are so caught on the music I
listen to. In my school I'm one of maybe 5 people who
listens to real hardcore, not Slipknot "kill your parents
kill your friends kill yourselves" hardcore, but Dillinger
Escape Plan, Coalesce, 7 Angels 7 Plagues, Hopes Fall
hardcore. I mean, people say "oh, those guys have no
talent, it's easy to scream into a microphone." And they
judge music like they judge everything else. They don't
care about what these guys are screaming about, the lyrics
are beautiful insightful and meaningful, but because they
sound angry, people write it off along with the people
that listen to it. But what do I care? I wish I didn't,
but that's a lie. I've cared about what people have
thought of me my whole life. If someone doesn't like me
it bugs me to no end. It also causes me to be extremely
self-concious to the point of being depressed and at my
absolute worst, suicidal. Not that I'd ever kill myself,
the pain of losing 4 of my best friends to stupid things
(drugs, suicide and armed robbery) just goes to show that
death only creates more problems than it might solve. And
I realize I have too much to live for.

But it still bothers me that people's opinions of me can
have so much pull on the course of my life, it really goes
against everything I stand for, which of course makes me a
hypocrite. And that creates a whole new set of problems
like self-doubt and whatnot. I guess maybe I should just
work these problems out myself instead of pouring my heart
into some stupid online diary. I know I have my friends,
but Stephen has Brittani, Sam has Jenny, Jamie has his
other friends, and all the people at my school are cool,
but I don't think they're really capable of handling some
of the emotional pressure I put on myself. So sometimes
it just gets incredibly lonely, and that is the time I
slip into these fits of horrible depression that make me
wish I could be the psychotic funny guy that I paint
myself as at school. In the long run though I just always
end up at the place where I need human contact. I can't
stand being by myself because then I get into these moods
and it never ends up good. Well, it's 11 at night, all my
friends are at home and it's too late to call to seek the
advice I go to Stephen for. I guess my loneliness will
just have to permeate my attitude until tomorrow so I can
call and vent. Of course, I'll just end up getting bumped
off the phone by Brittani, who has to have everything her
way all the damn time. Who am I to judge though?

I am so tired of being jaded and pissed off about
everything. Maybe if I had a hobby other than educating
myself on why the world sucks so bad I could get out of
this mindset. Well, until next time.




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