Bitch & Moan
2001-04-18 20:01:46 (UTC)

Whole lot of NOTHING

Well, I sit here at work. Bored...but I guess more than
bored. I am waiting for SAB to call me back. I guess I
will continue to wait. Should I call him?? Fu**, it has
already started to be a game. I want to call him, but
cannot. I cannot chase him down. I wish that I had not
spoken with him on Easter ~ digging up all of those pushed
down feelings. I am so good at pushing them down too, let
me tell you. I have read that you cannot push down just one
feeling. In order to bury one, you inevitably bury them
all and then become un-feeling. You cannot pick what you
feel. I am so good a squashing stuff. I am the queen of
it. If you hurt my feelings, I most likely will not let
you know ~ I will just act like a bitch to you the next
time we speak. I am so sick of crying today. I am sick at
myself for letting myself get all fucking emotional. I
want to shove this all back down again. I want to just
stop thinking about HIM! I want so badly to just be with
him or to just get over HIM. WHY?????? Why me, why can't
I do it???? Why does everything remind me of him??? In
the normal course of a day, I think of him at least a dozen
times...and more on "special" days. I think of HIM when I
read the paper and there is something I know he would
like. I am praying to my DEAR SWEET LORD in HEAVEN, PLEASE
ME. He wants to "take it slow." Great. I have been without
him long enough. Why couldn't he have come up with some
great solution to us breaking up?? WE really should have
just seperated, but he was scaring me so bad at that time,
I thought I had to leave the state or he was going to kill
me. If I thought for a second that I could truly be happy
without him, I would tell him to go away...but I cannot.
When I don't hear from him, I worry about him. I don't have to wonder
what it feels like to live with someone who does not truly love you.
Will it ever be possible for me to find someone else that I LOVE
with everything in me ~ and for him to love me back???
Does anyone in this world have that?? I don't think that I
know one couple who love each other equally. There is
always one person who loves the other more. I am that to
SAB. Maybe I was destined to always pine for the man I can't
have. If I could have a perfect world, I would have my SAB, my
children and we would live in a house with a white picket fence. SAB
says that I should wait, slow down, take my time ~ SHIT, I
could be hit by a bus tomorrow. What the hell is the point
of taking my time. I have been lonely to my core without
HIM for over a year. I can be so content and just alive ~
but to really, really feel passion and hapiness, I NEED
SAB. I WANT SAB. I CAN hold my feelings down...it is just
so damned hard. I don't know what he wants. I only know
that he is afraid...but I have enough courage and strenght
for the two of us. Last year I was so mentally fucked-
up...I spent my nights and days crying for SAB. I came so
close to killing myself for fucking up my life ~ I actually
called everyone I knew on one REALLY bad day and asked them
to please tell me why I was alive. I beleive the ONLY
thing that kept me here was my girls. I could not do that
to them. I could do it to end my pain, but I could not be
the cause of theirs. That whole time period where I tried
to get SAB back had to be one of the worse times in my
life. I just wanted to reach out and grab him and hold him
to me...but the more I reached, the further he pulled
away...and the games began. I love SAB. There is not a
doubt in my mind...he is the only person I know that doubts
it. My friends clearly see my longing for him. BUT Mr. B.
is not here to see this. It is okay. I have to make it
okay. I cannot go through another 3 months of begging,
crying, pleading, wishing, praying, hoping. Our marriage
is worth that to me, but obviously it is not worth it to
him. He seems so happy to be single. Hanging out. Women,
women, women. I don't know why he teases me. Does he want
me to feel more pain??? I know that I have caused him
pain, but my pain to him was swift ~ like a throat
cutting...this pain to me is dragged out like being
quartered or hot needles under my finger nails. And how can
I be sure that he is not just doing this for his pleasure?
His sick side, his "I'll get you my pretty..." side??? I
don't know. I need to back away, and yet he calls to me.
His soul has called to mine...and I want to just answer. I
want to crawl back into his arms and not leave again...you
would think that there wasn't a reason for me to leave,
there WAS...Most Definately....BUT, GOOD GOD, please help
me, I have seen the things that happened. I realize the
mistakes that we BOTH made. I have come to understand
myself better than I ever have...and now ~ nothing.
children....I believe I can still raise them alone...but I would
rather have my husband with me. I love my kids, but it is
a challenge to be this miserable and this upset and then
parent them. I cannot be whole to them because I am
missing a peice of my family and my life. I could write and
write and write about this....but I think I need to stop
for a while...my eyes are nearly shut up from the crying
that I have done. It is almost 4 pm. No calls. No
emails. A whole lot of NOTHING.