out of reach
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2002-01-22 01:20:20 (UTC)

peel me off this velcro seat and get me movin

its been a long time since i've done some true self-
exploration. sure i write in here on a regular basis but
its become more of a daily log of my life rather than a
true enlightenment of myself. number one reason why i've
been shying away from myself: i'm deeply ashamed of myself,
my values, and my insecurities.

i have a severe case of lack of motivation. whether its
caused by a perpetual state of mild depression or just the
fact that i'm a weak person, its making my life hell.
sometimes right before i fall asleep or when i'm trying to
keep my mind busy during boring classes i get this gut
wrenching feeling that i'm a complete failure. its been
happening alot lately. it happened today in english class
and i thought i was going to throw up. the answer to my
problems is so simple. just get out and do something.
take control for once. i know what i need to do. but why
can't i do it???

it'd be so easy to blame my parents for raising me wrong,
for not motivating me, and for not rewarding me for all the
hard work i've put in up until now. but in all reality,
pointing the blame does me no good. no matter who's fault
i'm still a failure. every goal i've ever set for myself
has been forgotten. i'm ashamed of this. i'm constantly
setting goals to lose weight, read more, write more, study
more, love more, BE MORE. but i run away from them. i
start them and make up excuses for myself to drop them. i
don't know what to do. i have the weakest character of
anyone i know and i don't know how to change. or maybe its
i'm too afraid to change.

i'm pathetic.