eroticademonica

For things that will never come to pass
2002-01-21 21:46:37 (UTC)

Wow, 2 entries in a day!!

Okay, this goes along with the entry I made earlier
today. This time instead of complaining, I want your
advice. I don't give a damn who you are, or what you
think, just tell me what you would do in my situation. And
no saying, "Well I woulnd't have been that stupid in the
first place." One, I don't want to hear it, and two, this
is called pretending. So no compaining about how damn
stupid I can be someimes okay. These are actual journal
entries from my origional written journal.
June 22, 2001 Last night I spent two hours online
with male_panty_slut. He likes to wear womens clothes.
His exgirlfriend got him into it, she is a real bitch. He
lives in Oklahoma and is 23, plus he thinks I am 21 and go
to college at UC Santa Barbara. We have tons in common,
especially the fact that we love talking to each other. He
says he loves me, but we only talked for two hours. I make
him laugh, I like that. We were in Lycos chat in
Bisexuality 1. He says he is going to change his name to
smiles_man. Smiles760 is my name. It wasn't working this
morning so now I have smiles067 too. We both love to swim,
he told me I was sending him off the deep end. He is so
damn sweet, he thinks I tease. Oh yeah!! Will write more
later.
June 23, 2001 He is oh so good looking, (in drag).
He is blonde, blue, and skinny. Oh wow, I don't know why
I'm attracted to a transvestite. God, it's scary. We both
would have a same sex relationship. Every time I think of
him I get the butterflies and tingles. It feels so good.
All I could think of last night was, "God, he is three
states away and all I can think about is jumping his
bones." At work I would think about him, I hope he is
online tonight.
June 24, 2001 He was on last night. He and his
sister are both adopted. I did a search on his name and
came up with 2 in Oklahoma City. Both of them are living
with someone. I don't know which is him and I don't know
how to ask him without seeming possessive. I tell him I
love him, but I honestly don't. I don't know what I feel
for him is lust or something else. I don't want a
relationship with someone three states away. I don't know
how to figure out if he is some physcopathic transvestite
whore monger. He says he loves me and that we can overcome
anything...even infidelity. What did he mean by that? He
says things like "And now you must think I'm a dirty old
man." That makes me think he is, then Srina puts into my
head that he probably is. I don't know how to find out.
I'm scared, not oh my gosh, what if he tires to kill me
scared, more God, what the hell am I thinking? I honestly
don't know what the hell I'm doing. He told me when we met
for the first time near my 18th birthday he was going to
ask me to marry him. He said something like "When we get
married." I said, "Wow, I don't get an if, I get a when."
He used the name Vic on his buddy invite for
male_panyt_slut. I looked Vic up too, I found a Victoria.
When he dresses in drap his name is Pam. I told him I
didn't want to know if he slept with anybody, jsut don't
get AIDS. He asked me if I had ever slept with anybody. I
told him the truth, no, I'm as virgin as the day I was
born, but I have no sexual inhibitions. He was happy to
hear that. I don't know what it is, am I happy because
this is new and exciting or happy becasue I honestly like
him? When we are chatting I am not shy or nervous or
anything. Okay, I get the butterflies you get when you
have a crush. God, I didn't even have these with Javier.
Oh, we both have long blonde hair and love having it
brushed or our head's rubbed. Time to do more
investigating. Bye.
June 25, 2001 Paul wasn't on tonight. I hope he
isn't ignoring me. I hope he isn't ignoring me. I chatted
with SilverIvy. She said I should stay with him. I feel
bad for telling him I am 21. I wonder if he just wanted to
cyber and that's it. I looked up stuff on pisces and libra
and stuff on pisces and scorpio. Libra/Pisces
relationships suck. Scorpio/Pisces relationships are
great. I'm so uncertain and I don't like it. I have a
commitment which isn't a commitment. Oh shit, hell if I
know. Going to sleep now, later.
June 25, 2001 Got a buddy invite from
male_panty_slut. It was sent at 2:15. I hope he is on
tonight. I really want to talk to him. I'm still doubting
my self and this whole relationship thing. I don't know
what to do. I know he is 23 and isn't going to give up sex
for a whole 2 and a half years just for me. I don't ask
him to. I only ask that he not get an STD. I'm going out
wht a guy who I have talked to for 5 hours. God, I'm
fucking crazy. Next thing you know I will be sending my
sister in a crate to Timbuktoo. (Actually that isn't a bad
idea.) I can deal with is. I am a calm, sane, rational
person. Yeah, okay, so calm and sane and rational. If I
were I wouldn't be dating on the internet. I wonder what
he'll sound like. He is short, 5'7" and dresses in drag.
I'm going ot guess he has a kinda girly voice. More than
likely, since I have already hit my ten mistakes of the day
mark he will have an incredibly deep voice. Will write
later.
June 26, 2001 He was late last night. Kimmi, a girl
who knows him came on and told me he said hi. She told me
that she wanted him to cyber nad he wouldn't. At least he
is loyal. Kimmi is very pretty, she asked if she could be
my first female. I told her it was up to him. Got an
email from him today, said he missed hearing from me. Also
said he has a surprise for me. He said he was really
excited. I wonder what it is, now I'm kinda scared. I
told him I needed reassurance on us.
June 26, 2001 I can't talk to Jenne or Athena about
this, and Rikki would ridicule the hell out of me. I don't
know what Dena is going to say. God, I want reassurance on
this. I'm 15 and a half dating a 23 year old. I'm happy,
but shit like this doesn't happen every day to me. What
about when school starts back up again? I'm usually in bed
by 10. Gosh, most of the guys I talk to either want my
best friend or sex. He doesn't know my best friend and we
live in different places. I wonder if heis going to be
like Andrew, going out with a girl just to get over another
one. I hate Srina for putting these thoughts into my
head. I don't think it is bad news. He didn't seem to
like his ex very much, but what if they got back together?
June 27, 2001 Well, his good news is that he is
coming out on July 20 and leaving Aug 2. I'm so happy. He
asked me to sleep with him and I told him no. I told him
about the promise I made to my father. He said he respects
that. I hope he doesn't mind riding the bus or leaving his
car around the corner. He is coming as Pam, he asked if
that bothered me. I told him no, Pam and He are the same
person, I didn't care who he came as as long as he came.
He was happy to hear that. I thought that this soon I
wouldn't have feelings for him, I was wrong. With a normal
boyfriend it is purely physical for him, even if it ends in
a few weeks becasue they didn't get any. He lives three
states away.
June 27, 2001 Wow, I'm engaged. I don't have a ring,
I don't need one. In a year and a half I'm going to be
feeding cows and going to college in Oklahoma. I told Dena
I was engaged adn that I needed to talk to her. He went to
the grocery store, and will be on later tonight. God, I
can't wait three weeks for him to be here. I'm so happy.
Even the damn animals are happy I'm going to be moving out
there. Annie, Lucy, and I think Joey are th dogs. He said
I can have a sheep and name it Billy Goat Gruff. I'm so
happy, I can't wait. I hope this isn't a trick or anything
else. I would be pissed.
June 27, 2001 I told Dena, she thinks I'm fucking
crazy. I'm beginning to think so too. What the hell am I
doing. Dena told me how Gabe had the ring picked out and
everything and then he broke up with her. They had been
going out for three months. He needs to send his address
and phone number, I want equal info. I have known him for
5 days. I don't know what I'm going to do.
June 28, 2001 He is on call 24/7 so I didn't get to
talk to him. I talked to Kimmi instead. She is meeting
Pam at 7 at a club. She has talked on the phone with him
already, I'm jelous. She knows what he drives, his work
schedule, I'm thinking she's trying to move in on him. She
wants to be my first woman. I am hopefully going to talk
to him today at 2 my time.
June 28, 2001 Nicholas Cage/Barry White. That is
what he sounds like. Kimmi was right, his voice makes you
hot and bothered! He sounds kinda older though, I guess
that is okay seeing as how I sound so damn young. His
roommate was going to turn us in, but she can't becasue we
haven't done anything.
June 28, 2001 Dena is here playing Nintendo while I
write. He wants me to spend lots of time at his hotel and
I don't know how to tell him no. I can't wait until I talk
to Kimmi again. She is going to tell me everything there
is to know about him. He wants to buy 1,000 acres and
build a new house. He is making me study!! He said we
woudld see about me paying for half of my college, and he
absolutely would not let me waitress to pay it off. He is
going to spoil the shit out of me and I know he won't let
me say anything about it. He says he wants OUR house, it
is always our, to be ready when I get there. He is fixing
it up and planting flowers.
June 29, 2001 He wants to buy me a fucking BMW
CONVERTIBLE!!! He says it will be in the driveway with a
bow on it, that it is my 2002 christmas present. He
already bought the engagement ring!!!! I don't know how I
am ever going to pay him back for all of this. He is damn
determined to pay for my college, (all of it). I know he
isn't going to take no for an answer. He told me we would
talk about it here, but I know he isn't going to say no! I
don't know what to do! The only ring I have to give him is
my seashell ring wich is broken. If, If I accept his ring
I am going to wear it on a chain around my neck. I really
need to talk to Dena. I'm begining to think Kimmi and he
are the same people. We were online talking and he got
beeped, then Kimmi got on and she got booted, he came back
on and told me he loved me and left, Kimmi then got back
on. During all of this there was enough time to log out
and log back in. I guess Kimmi will just have to call me.
June 29, 2001 I told him I was taking a break and
that I was feeling overwhelmed. I still think he and Kimmi
are the same people. I will check my email at 3, I nkow
there will be something there from him. I really need to
talk to Dena and she isn't home yet.
June 29, 2001 I jsut made one of the biggest mistakes
of my life! I understand you aren't supposed to give out
personal information. I understand he could have been
lying. What I don't understand is why I had to fucking
tell Rikki. She told her mom and her mom told mine. My
internet is gone, I have to sign up for yahoo. I need a
computer! I need to talk to Kimmi, unless they are the
same person, then it wont help. I told him I lied about
living with my mom, that I really live with my dad. I have
to hide my diary in a different place. Nicole wont quit
asking questions.
June 30, 2001 Wrote him and said I wasn't going to
get engaged to him. He tought I meant forever. He wrote
Kimmi three times, she email me and said he was incredibly
depressed. He thinks I am breaking up with him. I meant I
wouldn't get engaged to him in Cali. I feel so bad. I
don't want to break up with him. I have to give Kimmi my
new email address. I am going to have to tell him I am
blunt, and that I didnt' mean exactly what I said.
July 2, 2001 We just talked today. He understands
why I lied to him about where I live, he only wants me to
be safe. I'm so happy!! Kimmi told me about the silver
picture frame and ring in a glass case and asked if I knew
why they were there, I told her they were mine. He wants a
big wedding in Oklahoma. Fine by me, I only want to invite
50 people. I wonder what he thinks about kids, he only
wants 2 or 3, I want 10.
July 10, 2001 How many people wanna kick some ass, I
do I do, Dont lay another finger on her, she's mine and I
still want erh, if you put another hand upon her your a
goner, goner. I dedicate that song to him. We are having
seven kids (the power of compramise.) With was being an
ass today and I started talking shit back, he walked into
the conversation and went balistic on With. I was so
angry. He refused to promise me that he woulnd't step into
my fights unless I was asking or unconcious. He said no
one would ever get close enough for that to happen. He
sounds like a fucking body guard. I said I didn't want to
fight about it, he said we were having a discussion. He
got me a horse. Her name is Dutchess Patches. She has a
brown patch over her left eye. I understand his roommates
reason for not liking the idea of us together. She seems
nice, I hope she doesn't live with us forever. He has a
sister named Crystal. His parents are Mona and John. Mona
was at the house last night and saw the ring and asked him
if he was planning a trip to California soon. She also
asked when I was going to graduate college. He told the
truth, 2007, she knows I am younger than him. All she did
was smile, she sees how happy I make her son.
June 20, 2001 Sorry it has been so long since I have
written. He hasn't been online for a few days. He didn't
leave a message or anything. He hasn't answered any emails
either. I don't know what is going on, it is 3 days to our
1 month anniversary. Kimmi wrote and said that the cops
came out to his house and lectured him about dating younger
people. I don't know who it was that told, but I am very
angry!
January 19, 2002 Ever since I quit thinking about
Jean (a guy I liked for a few months.) I have been thinking
about someone else. The liar, the cheat, the low down
snake in the grass, the man i honestly do love with all my
heart. Jean and Bren were ways for me to get him out of my
head. I am thinking about asking my mom to put my chat
back on. I have become obsessed, everything I do online is
in hopes of finding him. And yet I haven't gotten any
closer. I think I am a masochist, only doing this to
induce pain on myself. Other times I think it is because
he is trying to find me also and we are both being
irrevocably drawn to each other in some cosmic ways.

There is the end. Now I want your advice. Should I keep
looking or give up the search. Take a plane to Oklahoma as
soon as possible or no? Tell me, and I promise I wont
write about this ever again. Luv Always, EroticaDemonica




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