kerri

views of life
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2002-01-21 21:16:29 (UTC)

lose of control

everyone always like haveing a certain degree of control
over their lives, they like to maintain that full control,
it gives them security.

Then there are people like myself. All they want is the
tinyest bit of control, I just want to be able to live my
life, and people don't walk all over me.

It's sad if you come to think of it, no one listens to me,
yet I listen and give comfort, while when I need the
comfort, I get nothing but cold insults. People claiming
to be my friends, grabbing my arm in a show of playful
freindship. But when the play stops, they scorn me for
being who I am, tearing me to shreds while I desperatly try
and free myself, but my cries are supressed, and muffled by
the bitterness forced on me. and when they ask if
something is wrong. I be the good little slave, and lie,
saying I'm okay, or I will be okay. I'm always forcing
excuses to cover up what I really feel. Is that how life is
to be lived?

In fear? sadness? self hatred?

thats right.... I hate myself. not because I'm
unattractive, or unpopular...... but for not being able to
maintain the control I so desperatly want. I hate myself
for letting myself get walked on, dragged around. I hate
myself for forcing those fake smiles all the time, and
pretending I don't matter.

I suppose I don't make enemies because I already have my
biggest enemy of all....

myself.....


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