Deadly Nyghtshade

The Shades of Nyght
2002-01-21 15:41:06 (UTC)

A Vicarious Lifestyle

Yeah, that's what I've been living since, I
can't remember how long it's been. Since I haven't cared
about what I do or who I do it to or who I "do it" with. I
supposed that for a female, I've been involved with more
men that I should have. But, I'm a sexual being and am
pretty much unable to control my sexual urges. I thought I
was going to turn over a new leaf, however. This year.
After the whole incident that happened over new years, I
felt that it was time for me to grow-up and stop acting as
a child. I should have known that pending danger was just
around the corner. How you ring in the new year is how you
ring out the next of the year. It's like... I let the
friendship die between someone that was close to me, and
now I might be at risk of dying b/e I let someone get to
close. Someone who could have been worth my time, actually
but I didn't give it a chance to develope. Plus, I have all
these skeletons lurking in the bowls of my rubic closet.
It's a shame really. I almost feel like crying. But I don't
cry. Whatever happens to me in life I deserve. And in a
way, I guess that can be said for the other person. " I
feel like I'm one sneeze away from a hospice." (pause)
Yeah, I feel that way too. I'm sitting in class and
thinking about what I'm going to do with the rest of my
life and if I have time to do even half of it. It's a
shitty feeling.
It's hard to say whether or not I would do things over if I
had the chance. I might, knowing the outcome. Maybe I need
to go to church. Ha! Notice that when death looms overhead,
the Christian Will spill forth and saves the day. I don't
think God would even help me. He's watched me screw up for
the past (pause) seven years, I suppose. Maybe not quite
that long. You would think that I would have grown out of
the habit. I person doesn't straighten up, sometimes, until
she's been smacked on the ass by the sergicly steel had of
reality. I won't feel sorry for myself. I'll have enough
people doing that for me. "Oh, she was such a bright girl!
*sob, sob* She had such a bright and prosperous future
ahead of her! *bawl, bawl* I wish I could pinpoint the
moment when I stoped carrying. If I could change something
in my life, that would be it. Perhaps I wouldn't be typing
this now.